My 2011 Letter to Santa

December 12, 2011

Dear Santa Claus,

It's that time of year again. I'm trying so hard to get into the Christmas Spirit this year. I celebrate the existence of Jesus year-round, so there's nothing new in that. But feeling the magic that comes from Christmastime is something I look forward to feeling every year. This year has been so hard on me that I'm having a little trouble.  There are so many things I'd like to have and to do, and cheap gifts of candy and books and Christmas socks just aren't doing it this year.  I haven't written a letter to you in many years, so I thought I might as well try it again this year.

I do believe in you. My mother told me once that you are the embodiment of the Christmas Spirit that exists in all of us. I remember her and my father at this time of year more than any other.  I celebrate them in you.

So, if it's possible, if I'm not too old for a Christmas Miracle, then I'd like you to grant this Christmas list for me, if you can. Most of it can't be wrapped and put beneath a tree (of any size), but it's what I really want for Christmas.

1.       A job. A career would be nice, but I'm not trying to reach too far with this. I know I need to do a lot of this stuff myself. A job that I can do with my illness so that I can pay the bills would be fine.

2.       Something I can invest myself in (career-wise).  You know what I mean, I think.   I'm looking for a mission.

3.       Healing in my relationship with my husband, however it turns out.  By this I mean peace and hope for the future.

4.       A treadmill (used is just fine). I just need something I can exercise on in the winter. I watch so much TV these days and have to read, too, that a treadmill would be great because I could do those things while exercising.

5.       A Smart phone

6.       A Kindle Fire

7.       A tablet computer

8.       An MP3 player

9.       A GPS for my car (this will help me when I search for jobs or travel for meetings and what-have-you)

10.   Clothes (snazzy clothes for the job I need to get and some comfortable jeans would be nice too!)

11.   A trip to Ireland, Scotland & England (this one is reaching, I know, but I've ALWAYS wanted to go)

12.   Blessings for my family and friends and all those people who have helped me to stay afloat thus far.

I won't ask for healing of my illness because I think I have it for a reason. I won't ask for my pain to be taken away or for my parents to be alive again. I know these are things I have to accept. But I see the things I am asking for as building blocks and tools to help me do what I need to do to move forward.  Of course, if you let me win the lottery, I could probably take care of everything myself except for #2 and #3. If I win a million dollars, I won't need #1, at least for awhile. It would sure take the pressure off.  Is it silly to say I'm a pragmatist when I'm writing to Santa Claus for these things? :L I don't want to ask for much more than I need.  A little surplus would be a nice offset to that constantly-going-into-the-red bank account.  Whatever you can do, if anything, is appreciated ,Mr. Kringle. I wish I could give you more than cookies and milk. Maybe when you stop by, you could spend a few minute with my kitties on your lap purring? There's nothing like that sound to help you relax before heading off to do more good in the world. 

All my love,

Ilene Danielle

P.S.  Could you bring some catnip, feathery balls on string, and fishy treats for the kitties (Oreo and Lizzie)? I know they'd appreciate it, too! Thanks for all you do!

...in a blaze of colour and light, taking flight!

My most recent Facebook post:

So I'm lying there trying to sleep and failing. I reread the latest article i have on how the first thing to do to treat Fibromyalgia is to get a good night's sleep (and walk). I decide to get online and look up the one neurotransmitter they discuss in the report and there's my cousin-by-marriage, who has described the events of Christmas a few years ago. Talk about a "wake-up" call. I may be jobless, involved a rocky romance/marriage, sick and tired of being sick and tired, and feeling sorry for myself because I've lost my parents and the sense of myself that I had. BUT...I have friends and family who love me and would never let me go hungry, a roof over my head, electricity and (holy cow!) CABLE and internet, and my relative sanity. Doug and I may have problems, but he has not left this earth, or left me with children to raise on my own. The icing on the cake? I still have my faith in the Almighty to pull me through all of this and put me where I need to be when I need to be there. I still am certain that there is, indeed, a place for me in this world. I just don't know what it is or where it is yet. I'd say I'm Blessed Beyond Belief. God's giving me the opportunity for something brand new in my life. And I may be hibernating, or cocooning like a butterfly right now, but I'm gonna burst outta that cocoon in a blaze of color and light and take flight when I'm done with it!!!!!!

And that does a pretty good job of summing up what has been happening in my life recently. Not completely, of course. It doesn't say I am now back in school getting a degree in Business Administration, for instance.  Or that I've adopted 2 adorable kittens who are now about 6 months old. Hopefully that helps explain why my posts have been nonexistent since early July. The few times I did find I had something I wanted to post, I couldn't find the location of my blog anymore! (and isn't that a sad commentary!).

I read over my old posts, though, and I wish I had something enlightening or clever to say this time. I really do.

The sad fact is, I have Fibromyalgia. I haven't had insurance since November of last year, so I am dealing with it with over-the-counter supplements and other "homeopathic" remedies.  All the stress in my life derailed my progress since I found out about it (just before I lost my insurance, ironically enough).  There are days when it has taken all my strength just to do what I need to do in the real world.  Those are the days I hate the "real" world.  Practical is all well and good and honourable. However, for someone like me, it can be totally overwhelming.  It's a sad and sometimes depressing fact.  But I meant what I said in that Facebook post - I plan to come out of this in the end. Probably a better person for it all, too! So, I'm taking it a day at a time. I'll try to write more. I really will. I'd like to think someone is actually reading it other than me! :)

I Keep Falling In Love With Fictional Characters

“…is thinking she should be somewhat disturbed that her favorite TV character (now) is a brilliant, arrogant, somewhat socially inept man who eats A LOT, makes friends with alien whales faster than people, is apparently deathly allergic to citrus, and doesn't even realize that he'd give his own life for the people he works with. What can I say I ♥ Dr. Meredith Rodney McKay! When did I become such a fangirl? 8-B"

Really, when DID I? Because I used to make fun of people like this. At least I used to laugh at them. Then again, I can’t really talk. I had my first crush on a TV character, that I remember, somewhere around 3rd grade when I fell in love with Templeton Peck a.k.a. Face from the A-Team. Ah, the dreams I had about Dirk Benedict’s face…that was before I was capable of separating the character from the actor, of course. And I think there was a crush on Marty McFly, too, but that’s so long ago it’s hard to tell now. I know I liked Alex P. Keaton, for sure. Reagonomics and all!

Looking back now, I am not sure I could ever put together a neat list of ALL the TV crushes I ever had. Of course, part of the problem is that it doesn’t just include TV. You have to include movies, books, and even plays into that list. Lately, it began to concern me a little that I truly do seem to keep falling in love with fictional characters.

 The list includes characters like Superman/Clark Kent, Fitzwilliam Darcy from Pride & Prejudice, Han Solo from Star Wars, Trip from Star Trek: Enterprise, Niles Crane from Frasier, Ron Weasley & Neville Longbottom from the Harry Potter books, Richard Castle from Castle & Captain Malcolm Reynolds from Firefly (both played by Nathan Fillion), The Doctor & Captain Jack Harkness from Doctor Who, Dr. Daniel Jackson from the Stargate movie, Wolf from The 10th Kingdom, Xander from Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Seely Booth from Bones, Patrick Jayne from The Mentalist, etcetera, etcetera. The most recent is Rodney McKay from Stargate: Atlantis. The Doctor from Doctor Who has been a slightly different character with each actor, so some I like better than others. David Tennant’s 10th Doctor really set my heart a-fluttering, though.

The reality is that I truly enjoy these shows. It’s the only way I get to see these characters to really get to like them. The difference between now and when I was in the third grade, I think, is that I am fully aware of the difference between the actor and the character now (well, I like to think I am – Nathan Fillion and David Tennant make it a little difficult to keep the line from blurring). When I was a kid, I couldn’t see that line. Now I am more able to recognize that I’m drooling over, I mean, watching a character that was created rather than a real person.

I do truly enjoy looking at characters in a literary sense, though, and breaking them down using the critical tools I learned to apply to great works of fiction like The Iliad. And when I think of that, I realize that it’s probably one or two particular aspects of these characters that I like so much. Intelligence, heart, and a certain sense of bravery frequently show up when I look at who I’m choosing to have a crush on. And maybe that says more about me than it ever does about the fictional characters themselves.

...and rest myself again in the miracles of God's creation

I went into the woods to find myself,

To find the essential nature in myself
which I had left by the wayside.
I went into the woods to restore my soul,
to find my peace again,
and rest myself in the miracles of God’s creation
which we have taken for granted,
To make myself again
That which I once was.
--Ilene D.O. Swartz

I’m heading to the woods this week. Well, the shore. Well, the woods by the shore. I’m going camping - something I haven’t done in a number of years. I’m probably expecting too much of the experience. I hope it will help me write. I hope it will help me feel healthy again. It may be an ordeal. I haven’t gone since I was diagnosed with Fibromyalgia. But I’m going out there and I’m going to try it. And I hope to bring back some stories…

Brave New Worlds, Part 2: The Characters of Stargate Atlantis

"Oh brave new world. That has such people in it" Shakespeare's The Tempest

Dr. Elizabeth Weir: Hey, what are you guys doing?
Major John Sheppard: I'm teaching Teyla how football is the cornerstone of Western civilization.
Weir: And you didn't invite me?
Sheppard: Oh, you like football?
Weir: No, not really.
Sheppard: Oh, come on, it's real, it's unpredictable, it's full of passion... and beer... hot dogs.
Dr. Rodney McKay: Cheerleaders.
Weir: I just can't understand you're allowed one personal item, and you chose this.
Sheppard: It's a metaphor. Don't you see? This entire expedition is the biggest Hail Mary in human history.

So, after having no hope at all of retrieving the utterly brilliant thoughts that emanated from my sleep-deprived brain (because, as any college student will tell you, sometimes that’s “the best stuff”) and then dissolved into the ether, I felt it was still necessary to give you at least some semblance of them. If I’m honest, I must admit that they probably were not as brilliant as they appeared to be at the time, and, thus, God decided the world was not in need of them, and chucked them for me. Thank you, God. As ever, you probably saved me embarrassment!

Anyway, mostly it was a discussion of the brilliant characters on Stargate Atlantis. The writers on that show truly did have a way of engaging the viewer and making us love characters which we probably wouldn’t have loved otherwise. Part of the way they did this was with some brilliant dialogue between characters.

Putting Geek-speak into their mouths and then forcing them to explain it to others is a pretty classic technique that truly works. Doctor Who has been doing it since the mid-1960s, after all. And, honestly, it can pretty much be traced back in time as far back as you can go, because any young hero being initiated into a new world (think Luke Skywalker for a modern example) acts as the reader/viewer’s eyes. They don’t even have to be particularly young these days, just new. This happens in the Doctor Who spin-off Torchwood when Gwen Cooper stumbles upon Torchwood and Captain Jack Harkness explains it to her. These heroes/heroines do tend toward young, of course; the supposition, I think, being that older and wiser characters don’t really need the explanations. Also, as these are really stand-ins for our own journeys in life (which is why we get so connected to them on an emotional level), the stage in our life where we would most identify with this kind of hero is going to be when we are young(ish) rather than older and more experienced. Joseph Campbell, my own mythology white knight, really explains this well in his theory of the Hero’s Journey. Here’s one site that shows the steps of that journey:

http://www.mcli.dist.maricopa.edu/smc/journey/ref/summary.html

I love Stargate Atlantis. I’ve really become a fan. After all, you’ve got the whole idea of an ancient society that had superior technology (bringing in this whole majestic ancient past angle), you’ve got a group of scientists and explorers, “new” worlds, a female expedition lead (kudos for that, right out of the gate), people from all over the planet with unique and interesting and sometimes practically incompatible personalities (and accents), danger from actual aliens, and dangers from unknowns in the Atlantis City itself. Oh, and this really cool spiritual aspect because the ancients were trying to “ascend” as well. Soooo, let’s see, that’s adventure, archeology, science, space travel, fantasy, humour, diplomacy, danger, Geek Speak, and every so often just a hint of romance (because they are cut off from Earth a lot of the time so who else are they interacting with!?)…oh, yeah, and there’s politics and the army, too.

-----
These characters are ones you can appreciate and root for, but the characters don’t drive all the stories. There’s action and peril and monsters coming out of the woodwork. And, to top it all off, there are some truly great lines.
--

Sheppard: How's it coming, Rodney?
McKay: Slower than I expected, but faster than humanly possible.

"I only know one thing for sure and that is that flying darkness that eats energy can only be very, very bad." McKay

Weir: Who would have thought you'd believe in ghosts?
McKay: I never used to. Until I learned about things called Wraiths that can suck the life out of you with their hands. What the hell is that?

(After Dr. Beckett didn’t want to go through the Stargate)
Sheppard: He's worse than Dr. McCoy.
Teyla: Who?
Sheppard: The TV character that Beckett plays in real life...

Sheppard: Just think of it as a walk on the beach…a beach that’s about to EXPLODE…

Sheppard: You think it's worth checking out?
McKay: Any significant energy emission generally indicates technological civilization.
Sheppard: So... you think it's worth checking out?
Dr. Rodney McKay: [sarcastically] I'm sorry. Yes. Energy field good.

[Dr. McKay is wearing an Ancient personal force field generator]
Dr. Weir: I'm still trying to understand how you thought it was a good idea to test this device by having someone throw you off a balcony.
McKay: Oh, believe me, that's not the first thing we tried.
Sheppard: [Smug] I shot him. (gets a look from Weir) In the leg!
McKay: I'm invulnerable!
Weir: Aren't you the one who's always spouting off about how proper and careful scientific procedure must be adhered to?
McKay: [Smug] In-vul-nerable!

Torrell: Well, I could kill you. But you strike me as the type of man who, despite being weak and cowardly on the outside, harbours a strength of character he doesn't even know he has.McKay: I'm sorry - was there a compliment in there?  

Weir: Rodney - you can take the rest of the day off.
McKay: [lies down onto the floor on his back with his eyes closed and his hands folded on his chest] Oh. I am gonna curl up in bed with the largest sandwich I can find.

McKay: Well, let me see - we've got slow death, quick death, painful death, cold, lonely death…

Beckett: We believe ATA or Ancient Technology Activation is caused by a single gene that's always on instructing various cells in the body to produce a series of proteins and enzymes that interact with the skin, the nervous system and the brain. In this case we're using a mouse retrovirus to deliver the missing gene to your cells.
McKay: A mouse retrovirus?
Beckett: It's been deactivated.
McKay: Well, are there any side effects?
Beckett: Dry mouth, headache, the irresistible urge to run in a small wheel...

Beckett: ...well if I've learned one thing, Mum, it's that we Earthlings are very...
Lt. Ford: Doc! You can't say that!
Beckett: What?
Ford: Earthlings. It's compromising security!
Beckett: She knows I'm from Earth, son! It's not a bloody secret!

McKay: I'm not sure I can fix this.
Dr. Peter Grodin: You can fix anything.
McKay: Who told you that?
Grodin: You did. On several occasions.

Beckett: You have a date, Rodney? With a woman?
McKay: It is simply two adults sharing some friendly... Yes, with a woman!

Weir: You think once the initial shock is over, we'll have the old Rodney back?
Beckett: I'm afraid so.

McKay: Did I mention that I know almost everything about almost everything?

Discipline

"Discipline is Remembering What You Want"  David Campbell

So this is what came up this morning when I hit my “Today’s Bible Verse” application:

“Proverbs 10:17 (NIV). He who heeds discipline shows the way to life, but whoever ignores correction leads others astray....... Thoughts on This Verse... Discipline is not only important to us, but also to those who are influenced by our actions. So often we undervalue the impact of our personal decisions on others. But God has placed each of us in a circle of influence to be a blessing and a redemptive influence for those around us. To choose what is foolish, to ignore godly correction, not only jeopardizes our own future, but also the future of others.”

Discipline? Ah, Discipline. At times, I have felt this is the very bane of my existence. Not because I undervalue how my personal choices influence others, but because I struggle so hard with the concept and execution of it. Yes, struggle. Truly struggle. I frequently get so discouraged because I sometimes cannot seem to maintain the most basic of self-discipline. My father found this the most exasperating aspect of my character. Time after time during my formative years, he would try to drill the concept (and, more importantly, the execution of it) into my seemingly boulder-hard skull.

It wasn’t because I didn’t think it was important, or because I was actually being contrary. I wasn’t rebelling. I wasn’t being stubborn. And it wasn’t until I was in college that I finally got an inkling as to what at least PART of the problem was. Turns out I have a condition called Attention Deficit Disorder. Good old ADD. Nobody spotted it in me, because no one was looking for it. They chalked up my behavior to being strong-willed, stubborn, high-strung, and lazy, or whatever other adjective seemed appropriate at any given time. I’m apparently in the minority – someone with ADD who “passed” because she does well on tests and leaned toward the intellectual. (This, by the way, is INCREDIBLY unfair. Most ADD people whom I have had the good fortune to know have been creative, intelligent, and even startlingly insightful! )

Now, to be fair, most people will say they have trouble with self-discipline. But, like ADD symptom themselves, it’s a matter of degrees. When I speak of not having self-discipline, I mean it in a profound, life-wrecking kind of way. I mean dis-regulation of bed times, wake times, bill-paying, and organization of just about everything in my life – household chores, hygiene, friendships, filling my pill case, BLOGS, meal times, spiritual worship, and even getting the mail. I’ve managed to learned organization skills that I practice for years, but one bad day forces me to start over completely. Implosion of my routines IS my routine.

Soooo, when I read something like this, it actually tends to discourage me. I think “Why would God want me when I fail God so completely on such a regular basis?” It’s an easy trap in which to fall. But I think it’s just that – a trap. I think it’s true that God wants us to strive for discipline, for order. As my father would say, for ritual. Ritual and routine are incredibly important to human beings. They give us comfort, and they help us to stay focused. Still, God made each of us unique. We are not all called to be naturally focused and comfortable. We are not all called to be calm. Some of us struggle with it for a reason. I’ll let you know if and when I figure out what mine is. Right now I’m living in faith and striving for balance.

“There are two ways of spreading light: to be the candle or the mirror that reflects it.” Edith Wharton

“Endurance is one of the most difficult disciplines, but it is to the one who endures that the final victory comes.” Buddha

How Do You Know the story of Play-Doh?

"We are all just a little color tint away from reinventing ourselves"

So, I just finished watching this great movie called How Do You Know?. I expected the usual light love story, but I found this to be extremely compelling.


I wasn’t setting out to review this movie, though it has pretty much turned into that. I just wanted to point out a few really good things from it that just launched it to near the top of my favorite movies. I recommend actually watching the movie, so I am going to try not to tell you the majority of it.

There are three main characters - a professional softball player named Lisa (played by Reese Witherspoon), a businessman named George (played by Paul Rudd), and a professional baseball player named Mattie (played by Owen Wilson). George’s father is played by Jack Nicholsen.

Lisa gets cut from her softball team and finds herself suddenly re-evaluating her life. She begins dating Mattie. Mattie is an interesting character. He is completely honest and sincere, but also quite a bit shallow and clueless. It’s impossible, though, not to find him charming in his own way. He refuses to grow up. Lisa decides to accept him for who he is instead of expecting more from him, since she feels he’s probably a very good match for what she needs right at that moment of her life. She tells him she had other expectations, but that was her own fault and apologizes to him for getting angry at first. Mattie really finds her unusual for this and begins to really like her.

George calls Lisa because a mutual friend had given him her number. Since then, his relationship with another woman became more than casual and he felt it would be rude to leave her expecting a call. George then suddenly finds himself in the middle of a Federal Investigation for Securities Fraud of which he is genuinely innocent. He is suddenly unemployed and estranged from everyone at the business, including his own father. When George tells his girlfriend, she tells him they are not good matches for each other during this part of his life but that she’ll be there for him at the end, effectively breaking up with him. (I have to say I liked that scene because what could have been a played-out scenario really managed to feel genuine, and that can be said for the majority of the movie.)

George gets understandably drunk, and then calls Lisa and sets up a dinner date with her. The date goes rather strangely; Lisa tells him they should just not give a voice to the problems they are having right at that moment and change their expectations to allow themselves a completely quiet meal.  They eat in a silence somewhere between awkward and companionable.

Lisa goes to see a therapist, but decides to leave as soon as she gets there. Before she leaves, though, she asks the therapist if he has any general advice that can help anyone. He observes what a good question it is and says he has: “Figure out what you want. And then learn to ask for it.”

George finds Lisa extremely interesting and is disappointed to find that she is dating someone else, but still decides he wants to get to know her. They end up becoming friends. Mattie gets jealous, but is genuinely trying to navigate a real romance with Lisa, and keeps asking her what he should be doing. Where Mattie gives Lisa silence and pep talks when she asks for it, George listens to what she has to say and tries to get to know her.

One of the most interesting parts of the movie comes near the end, when George gives Lisa a birthday gift of a can of Play-Doh. I have to admit that this was the part of the movie that took it from good to great for me. George assures her that the Play-Doh is only the first part of the gift. The story of it is the second part.

He explains that Play-Doh was originally invented as a cleaner for wallpaper, back when people used coal. With the use of oil and gas heating, it became obsolete. The inventor’s sister told him that her kids preferred playing with the cleaning goop instead of hard clay, and she suggested he add color to it and market it to kids. George said he kept that can around to remind himself that we are all one color tint away from reinventing ourselves.

And that, dear friends, is when I wanted to go out and buy myself a can of Play-Doh to remind myself of the same thing.

I won’t tell you how the movie ends, but I seriously suggest seeing it. It’s about a lot more than boy-meets-girl, none of the characters are caricatures, and you can see why Lisa likes both men. Even the peripheral characters are interesting – there’s a baby born and some great advice given.

For me, I’m taking a lot more away from this movie than just a hope of finding true love. All three of the main characters, really, are on journeys of self-discovery. Mattie is navigating the new idea of falling in love and being committed to a woman (he even proposes; well, he proposes to propose, sort of). George has to reevaluate his entire relationship with his father and his own assertiveness, as well as what he is willing to do for himself and others. Lisa has to decide what she really wants and find the belief in herself she needs.

I think this may have been marketed wrong when it first came out, because a light romantic comedy it is not. What it is, though, is a very good, thought-provoking movie.

Remember, we're all just a little color tint away from reinventing ourselves...

Brave new worlds Part 1

"Just when the caterpillar thought the world was over...it became a butterfly"

One of my favorite ways to destress is to read, watch television shows, or watch movies about other worlds, either in the realm of fantasy or science fiction. What can I say - I am a complete geek.  :) When the world around me seems to make no global sense, I like to change worlds for awhile and immerse myself in one that I am not supposed to really recognize.  In other words, I change the expectations.  While world-jumping may not seem like a big deal, I wonder sometimes if it is always healthy. After all, isn't that what the patients in the mental wards do?  They are often depicted as being immersed in their own worlds, outside this reality.  And maybe that's what scares me.  That tomorrow I won't wake up (as I would like) in the world the way it used to be to find the things in my life that are so painful have really been a dream. Instead, I will wake up to find myself strapped to a white bed surrounded by white walls and men and women in white coats staring down at me asking me if I can hear them. 

Or maybe I've just watched too many movies and television shows...

The thing is world-building is a time-honored tradition amongst great fantasy and science fiction writers. Such writers are reknowned for it - take J.R.R. Tolkein, J.K. Rowling, Gene Roddenberry, Cassandra Clare, Stephenie Meyer, Diane Duane, etc etc...I could so truly keep going.  This is my favorite sub-genre, crossing both those lands of fantasy and science fiction that are so often (and wrongly in my humble, meaningless opinion) separated.  I'm a Doctor Who fan myself, which means I honor both genres and all the cross-overs in between which touch on alternative history (like those wonderful ideas of "If the South had Won the Civil War" ilk).  I find comforting the very idea that, somewhere out there, the things that have happened in my life have never happened and some alternative me lived out an alternative life withouth having to go through the pains I experienced.  When I was 17 and my mother died, I remember believing so strongly that it wasn't how it was scripted to go down.  And the books I was feeding into my brain throughout my adolescence told me that maybe somewhere out there it hadn't gone down that way.  Let the mental health professionals decide if that is or isn't healthy.  As far as coping mechanisms go, I know it wasn't very effective, but it did keep me from completely slipping over the edge. 

Books have been my "other worlds" since I was old enough to realize that my life was not the same as what I was reading. The first book that I remember obsessing about was some story about a pet monster that the kid in the story dressed up in a diaper and put in his crib.  I LOVED that book, but to this day what I just described is about all I remember, aside from a sort of sketchy picture and the strange feeling I got thinking about it. I just remember going somewhere else in my mind when I read it.  I felt "transported" and disoriented coming back to my own world. 

Fast forward 30-odd years and is it any wonder my favorite stories now frequently involve physical transportation to other galaxies?  What I love about today's science fiction/fantasy stories are that they so often delve deeper into the character of the people involved in these situations, too.  The stories, like real life, are often character-driven as well as action-oriented.  How else are you going to suspend disbelief that magic is a part of daily life, except by believing that the characters have never had any doubt that it was?  What makes the evil wizard evil? After all, even in worlds of magic (or technology so advanced as to seem like magic), people do not exist in a vacuum. 

My newest obsession is a show that was, unfortunately, already off the air when I discovered it. Stargate Atlantis, an offshoot of the show Stargate SG-1, which was, in turn, an offshoot of one of my ALL-TIME FAVORITE movies - Stargate.  One thing I have to pick at is the whole "everyone speaks English" thing.  This is actually a pet peeve of mine overall. Not that I don't appreciate not having to read subtitles, but it's not very realistic to my mind. In the original movie, they couldn't understand each other at first. I think that was a good touch.  And it proved one sociological point that I found out when I was young and interacted with others from non-English speaking cultures.  You don't have to speak the same language to communicate and understand one another on a basic level.  In the end, language evolved to communicate complicated ideas, but if we set it aside, sometimes we can communicate even better our basic similarities.

I do have to say that I LOVE the characters on Stargate Atlantis. They are complicated from the get-go and they are heroic and loyal.  And they seem to all speak Geek beautifully.

I have been noticing (and I'm up to almost the end of season 3 now) very frequent obvious references to Star Wars, Star Trek, Lord of the Rings, etc.  And there are some central characters who are non-terrestrial, so explanations make it even funnier.  The chief medical officer got referred to as "as bad as McCoy" in his response to going through the stargate (referencing Dr. Leonard McCoy's dislike of transporters), which necessitated the explanation that it was "a television character that Dr. Beckett plays in real life". 

So, folks, this is where the blog chose to cut off my first draft. I had many brilliant thoughts here on character and relationships and how they related to real life, including many entertaining anecdotes describing the various characters of Stargate Atlantis. Amongst them, my favorite, unexpectedly, Dr. McKay. 
 Since I can't retreive that text, I have to start from scratch.  Now I have go reformulate that hour's plus worth of work. I'll try to post the rest as soon as possible, but it will have to wait until after I have some sleep. 

Stronger

It hurts right now,
but I know it will get better.
I know every day
I get stronger,
I move forward.
I can't see the end yet,
but I believe that it's there.
I live in hope
that it's there,
and this will not kill me, no matter how much it feels like it will...

http://youtu.be/22zB6Soc2Gk

Why I'm Not Posting

I'm tired of talking about it.
I'm tired of thinking about it.
I'm definitely tired of feeling it.
I want to be able to see through it to the place where I'll be okay. Right now I can't see past the pain.
It's anger and pain dancing a tango through my life right now.  My world is destroyed and I'm starting again from scratch.  This may mean God can make me anyone He (or She) wants me to be. But right now, in the early hours of the morning, when I am feeling lonely, alone, and unwanted, all I feel is pain and confusion.  Cuz I still don't get it.  I still can't wrap my mind around it. 
I believed that marriage meant you become one person.  Obviously, not exactly, because you still have to be an individual.  But my relationship with my husband was so much a part of me that it was solid inside me.  And now I feel like I've been ripped in half to get it back. 
I'm not posting a much of anything right now, because this is what is going on with me.  I don't want to share it. I don't want to put the negative out there into the world.  I'm afraid I'll regret it later.  Because when I'm angry, I am saying some things that, when I look back later, might be unfair.  MIGHT be. They may be as true as they feel to me right now. But I don't want to be ruled by emotions just now.  I'm not exactly being unbiased.  Because I do blame him.  For giving up. For running away. For not being a strong enough man to carry through.  And I don't want to regret the things I say now when I look back on it in 10 years' time.
So I'll be back once I've got some perspective.  And more undisturbed sleep.

Supposed To...

I found my first white hair this evening. 


I was supposed to be the proud woman who wore her grey hair as a crown.
I was supposed to be the wise old woman who had wisdom to give her grandchildren, grandnieces, grandnephews, nieces, and nephews.
I was supposed to be the woman who proudly declared who she was to the world, without bending to the will of others' preconceptions and expectations.
But,
I was also supposed to live a life where my mother didn't die when I was seventeen.
I was also supposed to have one marriage and three children (so said a palm reader to me once).
I was also supposed to have a husband who loved me for who I was and stayed with me and supported me throughout my whole life.
I was also supposed to have figured out what I wanted and begun achieving it by my 30s.
I was also supposed to live a life where I didn't start my life out living others' expectations as my own.

I started a journal a long time ago with the plan to hand it down to my children. It was a book of things I have learned over the years.  I wanted my children to know what I was like when I was young, in case I was so different by the time they were old enough to understand that there would be a major difference.  I do think I am not the same woman I was when I began that journal 10 years ago. 

 I haven't written in that journal in awhile, I think because I wasn't sure how to present any of the lessons I was learning while I was in the middle of them.  But I think one lesson can be summed up now:  I have learned that there is no such thing as supposed to. It's a myth. I'd even go so far as to say it's a lie - one we tell ourselves. 

"Lying to others might be wrong, but lying to yourself is just a tragedy"  Mary Allison

"Freedom is for honest people. No man who is not himself honest can be free – he is his own trap.” Unknown

"Acceptance of what has happened is the first step to overcoming the consequences of any misfortune."  William James

It's easy to get caught up in the depressed attitude associated with self-deception.  It's easy to get caught in "this shouldn't have happened," but it's not productive or healthy.  I have moments when I double-over with the thought that this is not the life I wanted.  Sometimes I think I don't want life like this - without my parents, without my husband.  But what can any of us do but keep doing?  The reality is that this is the life we get.  There is no way that life was supposed to go.  It only goes forward from here.   

"I understand that it's hard for everyone, but one cannot give in to emotions... we'll have to draw lessons from the current crisis and now we'll have to work on overcoming it."  Boris Yeltsin

"And the man waxed great, and went forward, and grew until he became very great."  Genesis 26:13

Into the woods without delay...

I couldn't stop smiling for about a full hour this morning. I haven't been that happy in a long time.

You see, I FOUND THE WOODS! I found those trees and a path right through them. They are about a block away from me - totally within walking distance.  I spent an ecstatic half hour walking through them and exploring and just GLORYING in them. I am not actually in the metropolis, and I counted myself blessed to be out in a more rural area - lots of green and down in a hollow with trees up on the hills around me.  We're on a quiet, out-of-the-way street that loops back on itself. But today I realized I need not only green but beautiful shades of brown, too.   And maybe I've learned a little bit of the reason that I have missed them and they are more important to me than I have ever realized. How much I have been missing the woods!   Woods are one of my very favorite things, unequivocally.  The girl who grew up in Penns Woods has been out of the woods for years!  I don't know what I was thinking! 

As a child, I don't ever remember NOT camping (and not RV "camping" mind you, which I will steadfastly assert is NOT camping but taking a house into the woods).  My parents' honeymoon was a camping trip to Locust Lake State Park.  Camping was a part of my life from moment one. It's as part of my blood as writing and reading are.  Building a campfire is one of my favorite joys in life (and I put up with being teased as a pyromaniac because I love campfires so much).  Setting up a tent may be a pain (literally for me in some recent memory), but waking up in the morning, unzipping the tent and pulling myself out into fresh, crisp morning air is so totally worth it.  The sounds of nature all around me is the sweetest lullaby I've ever heard. The woods is anything but quiet at night.  Crickets are only the beginning. The sounds of trees swaying in the wind is so soothing! And I sleep better after being outside all day than if I were on the softest bed on earth. And, setting aside the occaisional accidental rock shelf when setting up a tent, mother earth provides the perfect balance of softness and firmness in my book.

And, of course, it is not just about camping.  I didn't go camping today. I found a hiking path. To be precise, I found an arboretum.  But, for me the greens, browns, and blues of nature are balm to my soul.  Canoeing, hiking, camping, outdoor concerts, sitting in parks or on tree stumps and writing, breathing in the fresh air and the loam earthy smell of the soil. Green has a smell and I love it!

I frequently take walks around my neighborhood loop. This morning I noticed, for the first time, a small road off the right. A neighbor drove down it, which brought it to my attention. So, I thought, I am in a place right now where I don't have anywhere I HAVE to be or anyone expecting me anywhere at any time. For the first time in a very long time in my life I have plenty of time to explore and, right now, I am feeling more adventurous and reckless than I have in a few years. As a result, I ended up finding a part of my neighborhood I never knew existed before. I found myself on a nice country road surrounded by yards and trees with squirrels and birds and bunnies. It was the perfect picture of a light spring morning, with the sun shining as it came up over the horizon.  I was content and cheerful.  And then ...

And then.

Then I saw the dead end and smack dab in the middle of it was a sign that looked "official". Years of United States State and Federal Parks have taught me to recognize signs like this. "Arboretum" it said, then listed "prohibited acts" such as fire building, etc.  Okay, so no camping, but still. I said out loud "Is there a path?", my excitement growing and growing as I realized what treasure I had just uncovered.  And, well, there was!   I stepped over the silver gray guard rail and into my heaven.

Yesterday I was discussing heaven with my friend Mary Sue and contemplating what it's going to look like.  I couldn't really say what I thought it would look like to me. It occurs to me now that it will HAVE to be a woods. Nothing else will really do.

So what, you may ask, is an arboretum?  I was confused. Maybe it was the excitement. I have certainly heard the word before, but I have little experience with using it.  I confused it with an aviary and was sort of expecting to see a bird wildlife refuge! But, no, it looks like a woods with a nicely-graded (mostly) path through it. A big creek runs on one side and a gulley/creek is on the other side. I realized it is the creek/flood gulley that runs behind my house.  Last week I hunted out a spot to sit in my "backyard" next to the creek.  This is a little farther away, but I enjoy knowing it's the so close and is the same creature. I have so much of it yet to explore, but I am thrilled to have found this gem. 

I am trying to find a way to stay where I am living now. The next few months will tell the tale. I think it may break my heart if I do have to leave, but I also realized (so many realizations lately, really!) that what I did when we first moved here was actively seek out the things that nourish my soul, such as the woods! If I can do it here, I am confident that I will do the same wherever I land.

I went into the woods to find myself,
To find the essential nature in myself
which I had left by the wayside.
I went into the woods to restore my soul,
to find my peace again,
and rest myself in the miracles of God’s creation
which we have taken for granted,
To make myself again
That which I once was.
--Ilene D.O. Swartz

"I went to the woods because I wished to live deliberately, to front only the essential facts of life, and see if I could not learn what it had to teach, and not, when I came to die, discover that I had not lived."
--Henry David Thoreau

Obstacle Course Moments

When I was a kid, my dad told me a story. Well, truth be told he told me LOTS of stories. Thomas Oldham inherited the story telling gene. There was one particular, story, however, that has stuck with me over time, popping back into my head when the going gets the toughest.

My father graduated high school in the mid-1960s. Coming from a low income, somewhat dysfunctional family, he decided to go into the army to both escape his home life and find a stepping-stone to a better life.  This was just prior to the Vietnam "conflict" and I remember he told me they were two weeks away from the end of boot camp when they got the official word that troops were being sent.  But that's a story for another time...

Boot camp is a tough experience. You don't even have to go through it to know that. It's grueling. Back then it was even more grueling than it is now.  Dad's story said the days were filled with marches - I swear Dad told me they marched 20 miles some days, but that may be my faulty recollection (or his exaggeration). So in an effort to be fair, let's say he marched 5-mile hikes with full packs.  One night, they got to go to sleep, then were awoken and rousted out of bed. They were marched out to the obstacle course, which they had to go through (crawling under wire, through the mud, live fire overhead) in the dark.  Dad said it was so hard, being so tired, but that he kept thinking he had to find the energy somewhere, because at the end of it he would still have to march back. He told me he wasn't sure if he could do it. He was afraid he couldn't, but was prepared to try, because he had to do it. He said he honestly didn't know if he could.  Just as he was trying to gear up to do it, a truck showed up and drove them all back.

I always think of this story when I am feeling like I am out there at the end of my rope.  When I am struggling to hold on to things. By nature, I am tenacious. Sometimes I am too tenacious.  But that doesn't mean it's easy to hold on when you just feel like quitting.  When you can't imagine that you can do something, it's not easy to give up either. You get caught in that place. How good would it feel to keep going and prove to yourself (and others) that you could do it against the odds?  But if you do push, how bad would it feel to fail anyway - to find yourself on the ground in the mud - or to hurt yourself by trying too hard and then be unable to continue anyway in the long term?

That conflict has come home to me since I got the diagnosis of Fibromyalgia.  It's about learning limitations  and how to push past the without going too far.  If I push too hard, I feel it for days.  When I have flare-ups, they last for a few days rather than just having one bad day.  Emotionally, I have had a lot of "obstacle course moments" -- lately, especially. I just keep going, because I have to. I don't see another option. 

Every time in my life that I felt like I was at the end, I've found out one simple truth.  There really is no other option than to keep going.  You can sit down and let life defeat you, but you have to get back up eventually. At least I do.  And I guess that says more about me than anything else.  No matter how heavy my "pack" seems to get, I have to make that march back, even if it takes me a while.

Time for me to fly...

Lots of thoughts whirling around in my head. Thoughts, plans, possibilities, and hopes.  My animal medicine is Butterfly ( http://www.shamanlinks.net/Power_Animals.htm ).  I was convinced before this that, like a butterfly, I was hibernating in a cocoon.  Many people don't realize that a butterfly needs to push out of the cocoon at the end of that period of its life.  It's a painful process, but if a butterfly is helped, its wings do not get strong enough to allow it to fly once it is out. It will spend the rest of its life crippled and grounded. 

I have had some bad days over the last few weeks. I have succumbed to my physical illness more often. I have slept a lot.  Doctors who know about such things say that we work things out in our minds while we sleep. I think I have been working things out. I have been processing a lot of information from my life. 

It's easy to making sweeping generalizations about life when you are coming from a place of relative stability.  Philosophy isn't so hard when you've got a stable job and home life. 

I remember when I was in high school/middle school learning about something called the Heirarchy of Needs. ( http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Maslow's_hierarchy_of_needs,  )

I remember learning that the basic needs were food, shelter and clothing (with shelter including toilet & running water as well).  Looking  into it more now that I am an adult, I see it's more complicated than that, but the basic principle applies.  What do we really need to survive? Philosophy is allowed only after our more basic needs are met.  It's like thinking that what color the toilet is is something you can think about after you have the toilet. Or you can worry about what kind of jeans you are wearing once you have jeans to cover your body.

So, that's what I've been thinking - what do I need to survive and be happy?  Some people never really get the chance to ask that or to pursue the answer.  To build up, you first have to tear down. And, like a butterfly, it's going to make my wings strong enough to fly. 

Time For Me To Fly  by Reo Speedwagon


I've been around for you - been up and down for you
But, I just can't get any relief
I've swallowed my pride for you - lived and lied for you
But, you still make me feel like a thief
You got me stealing your love away 'cause you never give it
Peeling the years away, and we can't relive it
Oh, I make you laugh and baby you make me cry
I believe it's time for me to fly

You said we'd work it out
You said that you had no doubt that deep down we were really in love
Oh, but I'm tired of holding on to a feeling I know is gone
I do believe that I've had enough
I've had enough of the falseness of a worn out relation
Enough of the jealousy and the intoleration
Oh, I make you laugh and you make me cry
I believe it's time for me to fly

Time for me to fly
Oh, I've got to set myself free
Time for me to fly
That's just how it's got to be
I know it hurts to say goodbye, but it's time for me to fly

(Oh, don't you know that it's...)
Time for me to fly
Oh, I've got to set myself free
Time for me to fly
Oh, baby, that's just how it's got to be
Oh, I know it hurts to say goodbye, but it's time for me to fly
Fly
It's time for me to fly

Things fall apart...

I've been trying to find a way to write about what's been going on in my life. It's a difficult time, and I've been having a hard time finding words within my own head and heart, let alone words that I can share with the world.

The last several years of my life have been rough ones.  The decade of the 2000s have not been very kind to me in general.  I have struggled with illness (Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome, Gastroenterological diseases, obesity, Insulin Resistance (precursor to diabetes), anxiety, depression, and FINALLY I got the diagnosis of Fibromyalgia).  As a result of all this, I lost my job (which already not what I WANTED to be doing with my life anyway).  And in the midst of all of it, my marriage was falling apart.  Recently, it has come to point where it has fallen apart completely.  We're lucky that it doesn't seem to be a bad break-up, but I've been trying to wrap my head around the fact that it is a breakup at all. My world certainly seems to be disappearing around me right now.

I'm amazed I am not currently depressed about this, but I think I am just a bit numb at this point. I'm sure I will write more about all this as the days go on, but right now, I'm feeling a bit overwhelmed.

THE SECOND COMING by WB Yeats

Turning and turning in the widening gyre
The falcon cannot hear the falconer;
Things fall apart; the centre cannot hold;
Mere anarchy is loosed upon the world,
The blood-dimmed tide is loosed, and everywhere
The ceremony of innocence is drowned;
The best lack all conviction, while the worst
Are full of passionate intensity.
Surely some revelation is at hand;
Surely the Second Coming is at hand.
The Second Coming! Hardly are those words out
When a vast image out of Spritus Mundi
Troubles my sight: somewhere in the sands of the desert.
A shape with lion body and the head of a man,
A gaze blank and pitiless as the sun,
Is moving its slow thighs, while all about it
Reel shadows of the indignant desert birds.
The darkness drops again; but now I know
That twenty centuries of stony sleep
were vexed to nightmare by a rocking cradle,
And what rough beast, its hour come round at last,
Slouches towards Bethlehem to be born?

Geek-Chic

My friend Sandy and I always end up talking ceaselessly about everything from religion & politics to which books were better than the movies.  The other day, while in the midst of discussing excuses for not putting clothes away and whether or not Harry Potter should have ended up with Ginny Weasley (she maintains steadfastly that Ginny was actually a "fan-girl" and therefore unworthy of our intrepid hero), we got talking about "Geek" vs. "Nerd" definitions. I honestly don't remember what sparked the conversation.  It might have happened about the time David Letterman interrupted us by making us think one of us had sat on the remote, which is really another story, and was partly our fault, anyway, for having the TV on and not paying attention to it.  Whatever sparked it, we soon realized we were understanding the words in different ways.  

It's worth noting, I think, that you are going to get a different definition for each of these depending upon whom you ask.  And then there is the fact that the definitions seem to have changed over time. When I was a kid in the 1980s and 1990s, I remember any smart kid was in danger of falling into the "nerd" category.  Any A/V (that's "audio-visual" to you young'uns out there - as in projectors & VCRs, mostly) kid was more likely to get dubbed "geek".  Therefore, my definition came down to "technology = geek" and "smart = nerd".  I was acutely aware of these labels, too, since I frequently seemed find myself pigeon-holed into the "nerd" department under this definition.  I specifically remember the shock that came over some of my friends in the 8th grade when they realized that this "brain" was beat out on a math test by one of the more athletic boys in our class.  I still define that as the moment of dawning realization that I was much more inclined toward language than mathematics.  

Oh, the need of young people to place labels on each other (and ourselves)!  I myself was many things other than just a "brain" or a "nerd," but found it a bit disconcerting to find my labels slipping.  Not that any of this happens in adult life.  (Please sense HEAVY irony here!) 

So, we, full-grown adults that we now are, proceeded to dissect just what these labels mean now. Sandy made a convincing argument that a "geek" is someone who has a passionate interest in something and brings that into pretty much all areas of their life.  This brought up images of "o-philes" such as anglophiles (people who love all things English or possibly British), techno-philes (people who love all things involving technology), bibliophiles (those who love books and reading), neo-philes (not people who love the Matrix movies,sadly enough, but people who love all things new)...and other "o-phile" labels which maybe don't have it in their names, such as  Janeites (those of us who love all things Jane Austen). I think you get the picture.  So, by all rights, these people could be called Anglo-Geeks or Techno Geeks, too.  I admit it makes sense.  Band Geeks. Theatre Geeks.  Movie Geeks. Science Geeks. Music Geeks. Science Fiction Geeks. Yup...makes sense. 

My only argument that could in any way be said to be against this is the group of people who are "creatively inclined."  The definition I had gotten of this group (in which I must include myself) were also varied, but definitely different. "Hippies", "Beatniks", "Poets","Artists" were among the more genteel labels applied. I always sort of saw myself as a "free-thinker" or a "flower-child."  "Bohemian" is another good one.  I have to admit, though, that maybe these really are just a sub-label of "geek".  Maybe "Word Geek" would fit the writers, poets, and bibliophiles in this group.

That leaves, though, the definition of "Nerd" to ponder.  Sandy's take was that this really related to social interaction.  A "Nerd", by her definition, is someone who is socially awkward. I can't shake the idea of someone who is smart associated with "Nerd", so we can't come to an actual agreement on this one, but we sort of agree there is another category, too.  The type of person who plays video games day and night and never gets out to do anything productive.  We pretty much agreed, and so did my video-game-playing husband, that this person just counts as "loser" for the purposes of this argument. 

So I broke down and looked them up.  Wikipedia says that "Geek" has varying meanings ranging from "computer expert or enthusiast" to "a carnival performer who performs sensationally morbid or disgusting acts." It also suggests someone who is "overly intellectual." Wow. It does agree with my statement that the meaning has changed drastically over time. Apparently, though, the world derives from "freaks." The entry also says there no longer seems to be a true definition of it.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Geek

A "nerd", however, appears to be an unsocialized "Geek" according to Wikipedia.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Nerd

Dictionary.com defines "geek" in much the same way, but suggests a synonym of "eccentric" which probably is the best way would could define geek these days.  Dictionary.com also defines "nerd' as "An intellectual but single-minded person obsessed with a nonsocial hobby or pursuit."

So, where does that leave us? Pretty much where we started. Go ahead and continue to use them interchangeably. Even dictionaries can't seem to tell "Nerd-Heaven" from "Geek-Chic" these days. But, as for myself, I'd still like to be considered a Word Geek.

Multi-Media 1: Ode To The Brain by Symphony of Science

I will have another written post very soon, but in the meantime, I found this great video on YouTube : Ode to the Brain by Symphony of Science that is worth checking out.   It's important to remember that we are living in a golden age of media - we should take advantage of the opportunities we have to expand our knowledge through the written word, the spoken word, music and video.

Ode To The Brain by Symphony of Science

Hope...floats

(cracks knuckles) Okay...figured it was time for another post but I confess I have NO idea what to write today. Well, more specifically, I have no idea HOW to write today...

I've been thinking for the last week or so about the earthquake in Japan and the resulting Tsunami...and the continuing issue of the radiation leaks at the Nuclear plants.  My reaction has been complicated.  A sort of crashing depression and overwhelming fear. It seems like a diminished version of what I felt 10 years ago when the twin towers fell in New York.  And, that reminds me, I can't believe it's been 10 years already.  We have an entire generation now who does not remember what it was like before the twin towers fell or even what the actual event was like.  3 of my 4 nieces and nephews were born after 9-11.

There's this whole unformed, amorphous set of thoughts in my mind regarding all this.  I've spent a full week trying to organize them into some semblance of a blog post, but I am not having any luck with it.  Here's the gist of what I'm thinking:

News coverage of worldwide events now mean that things that happen on the other side of world now effect all people more than they used to effect us.
There is a definite theme in how we react to worldwide catastrophes.
There is a definite similarity in how I myself (and, I've noticed, others) feel about 9-11 and subsequent disasters.
The first reaction to world disasters is fear.
We're as prone to fearing these are signs that the world is coming to an end as our ancestors were.
Is the world coming to an end?
Is our world about to make a major change- not the end of the world, but perhaps the end of the world as we know it?
Is it appropriate to feel this level of sadness for people I have never seen, don't know, and probably never will know?
Should I be doing something about this (and, more importantly, is there really anything I CAN do to help)?
Should we be helping people in another prosperous country when we aren't helping people in our own country?
Should, and can, I help someone in Japan when I am not sure how I'm paying my own rent month-to-month right now?

I lean on my Christian religious beliefs in times like these.  Primarily the bit in the Bible where Jesus says "there will be wars and rumors of wars":

The Bible, Matthew 24: 6-7 : "And you shall hear of wars and rumors of wars. See that you are not troubled; for all these things must come to pass, but the end is not yet. For nation shall rise against nation, and kingdom against kingdom. And there will be famines, pestilences, and earthquakes in various places."

There are a lot of people who forget the part about "the end is not yet."  It's easy to see, though, why people feel that way in times of great distress. It feels like the world is falling apart. Upheaval.  Revolution.  Catastrophe. Change is hard; it's wrenching, even.  Often, it's in ways where we have no control - we lose our jobs or we get hit by Tsunamis.  And, yes, I see the similarities and CAN compare them.  Both are major events in life.  Both change our world overnight.  Both change how we see ourselves.  Both are painful.  Both test us.  And, maybe, both can offer opportunities to take new directions - perhaps opportunities we'd never have had without them.

So, I guess that's it.  For a week I've debated and sorted out the various thoughts regarding these events have come up with one thing: Hope. 

“In all things it is better to hope than to despair” Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

“Many of the great achievements of the world were accomplished by tired and discouraged men who kept on working.” Unknown

 (btw, the Title of this post is in honor of my husband, Doug...thanks Sweetie!)

Pay no attention to the woman behind the keyboard...

"Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain"  - The Great and Powerful Oz in The Wizard of Oz

So I'm having this rather listless kind of day. Did you ever have one of those days when you just can't seem to get up enough energy to get anything done? 

My husband kind of thinks I should be writing this kind of stuff for my blog anyway - the normal stuff of what is going on in my life.  Part of it is that I don't figure many people will truly be interested in my recounting how I am dealing with being unemployed, feeling useless generally, or, well, being listless on an average day.  The highlight of my day today was taking a shower and reading the latest book out of a supernatural series I've been reading on the Fae (Karen Marie Moning ROCKS!). 

The truth is that, for me, on most days it is much easier to write about philosophical and moral issues that don't hit on my day to day life. On other days, it's easier for me to just put on the television and watch an old Superman movie or something - something that will take my brain back to a time when it didn't ever have deep thoughts about the world I live in.  For more than half my life now that hasn't been the case.  I find myself contemplating trains of thought like whether or not there could really be angels in our world; whether or not it might be possible for computers to evolve to the point where they could, in fact, annhilate their creators; or whether or not there could be a world that exists behind the reality that we believe exists.  Oh, and then there's always that one about whether there really is such a thing as reality or whether it's just a matter of perspective.  Now, honestly, with thoughts like these running through my head, could anyone expect me to really, truly write a simple "this is what I did today" kind of blog.

I was raised by teachers, thinkers, readers and philosophers. (My father would never have labeled himself as a philosopher, but even the minister at the funeral agreed that's what he was.  The man wrote his family a "letter/poem" that he left behind for us that pretty much showed he was, afterall! ) Every thought I have is imbued with this background.  In the past, great writers liked to show off how much classical education they had by throwing references in everywhere.  I think I refrain from doing that, but it's nice to do it every now and then. The quotes I constantly throw out come from all over because my education comes not just from formal education, but just as much from popular education - TV, movies, modern novels.  I quote other people because there have been so many people who've come before me who SAY IT SO MUCH BETTER. The word is succinct - to the point, eloquent, lovely. 

Like many people out there, I am trying to find myself. I'm trying to find my own voice.  It's true, though, that "We don't find ourselves, we become ourselves."  I don't know who said that. I saw it on a Facebook Flair button a couple of years ago and immediately posted it to my profile (before they changed the profiles and now I don't know HOW to do that or even if I can).  The point is it's one of a myriad of sayings I have heard that speak truth in small, short sentences.  It's one of those phrases that goes toward summing me up, if such a thing is ever possible.

I am a changeable person. I am inconsistent. In fact, I used to say that was the only consistent thing about me.  I always thought of it as a bad thing, even as a felt a little surge of pride to be able to say it.  My husband says that, after 10 years of marriage, he still can't figure out what I'm going to do.  Well, I guess that's good, since I can't figure myself out after 35 years, either! Sometimes I do wish I could be "normal" and consistent and have someone know me well enough to know what I'm going to do.  There is a sort of safety and comfort in being predictable.  A little predictable is a good thing, just like a little unpredictable would be.  But it gets kind of lonely being constantly unpredictable.  There is no safe zone.  There is no comfort zone. 

The weird things for me is finding that I don't FEEL unpredictable.  I don't feel like I could go do anything at any time.  I feel boring. I feel, as I said, listless. Bored with myself.  I get up, I eat something, I watch TV, I play some internet games. It's not as if I am jetting off to Europe on the spur of the moment.  I might get the mail or I might not. I might get dressed or I might stay in my lounge pants all day.  Maybe I'll call my sisters and see how they and the family are doing.  Maybe I'll go to the store, but it's not like I'm going to go buy new furniture, even. And THIS is what my hubby thinks I should be telling everyone?

I read my friends' posts on Facebook - all about their kids and their jobs and their vacations.  THAT is what life is about.  I can sit and give you philosophical ruminations on the meaning of life, but THAT is the meaning of life.  The day to day workings of our lives. Our pets, our families, our struggles with stress. What should we have for dinner?  Should we buy organic or just local vegetables - how will it affect our pocketbooks as we try to do the right thing for the planet and our bodies?  Please - tell me all about how your daughter just crayoned the carpet blue! I'm not being sarcastic! Let me laugh and groan alongside you. 

I have no children. I may never have any children. It's not because I don't want them. It's because my body doesn't seem to work right and my world doesn't seem to either.  And this life...it's not what I thought I was getting.  I thought I would have a house full of kids, animals, and friends and family that thought deep thoughts with me.  I've known since adolescence that the world was full of shadows, but I never expected it to be this dark.  I'm not suicidal.  I'm disappointed.  Most of all in myself.  Because I think I could have made it brighter. I just don't know how.  I just have the vague sense that something went really wrong somewhere and it's my fault that it did. After all, this is my life, right?  So who else could it have been that was responsible?  No matter what's happened, it's my life to live. 

"If my life is for rent, and I can't afford to buy it, then I deserve nothing more than I get, 'cause nothing I have is truly mine." Dido

 Life isn't ALL black, just as it's never ALL white.  Just as the Brady Bunch/Father Knows Best bullshit is just that, bullshit, the deep, dark depressing stuff is never without light either.  There is ALWAYS light. Maybe that's why I'm unpredictable. I've seen the world in dualities since I was a teenager.  What goes on beneath the surface isn't all there is - the surface counts, too.  You need humour, but you don't SEE the humour if EVERYTHING is funny.  Categories like "drama" and "comedy" don't really fit into real life.  Nothing is just a romance or just an action flick.  James Bond has to go home and wash his socks at some point.

What we see isn't really complete reality. What we hear from people isn't all there is to them.  There are a million different realities, all existing at the same time.  We have to focus on one at a time to keep from going insane.  The trick is not to forget they exist while suspending our disbelief in the reality of the moment.

So, really...pretend the man behind the curtain (or the woman behind the keyboard) doesn't exist.  It'll keep your head from exploding...

The Philosophy of Reading

“Reading a book is like re-writing it for yourself. You bring to a novel, anything you read, all your experience of the world. You bring your history and you read it in your own terms.” - Angela Carter

I had the unique experience of being brought up by a librarian who was married to a teacher, both of whom were raised in families of ministers, teachers, artists and writers. Lest I forget, there were nurses, machinists and master carpenters in that mix, too – all very practical people who believed strongly in the power of education, thinking, and creativity. As my very blue collar husband would likely say, you need to think well to do construction work, too! His low tolerance for stupidity in any form aside, I think it’s safe to say I was brought up in a family culture that valued reading, learning and thinking.

I am a bibliophile of extreme proportions, though I am not as extreme as some people I have known. I know people who will snap up any book around if it’s available. I would have to say I have some more discriminating tastes than that, but I still LOVE to read. Give me a good book and I am golden. Give me an interesting series and I’m in heaven. Give me a fascinating series with good writing, interesting characters, good plot lines and, well, is there such a thing as beyond heaven? Cuz that is where you will find me.

My education in Literary Criticism as well as the analytical way my mind works has set me up so that I look at fiction differently than many people. I analyze it. I can’t help it. I am totally aware of suspending disbelief, of scanning characters for behavior that doesn’t seem to match their motivations, of looking for foreshadowing, etcetera. That’s part of what makes it fun for me.

I want to welcome you into my bibliophilia for a while, if you want to come. This is where I might lose you, I know. My mind is cluttered and crowded, but I think it holds some treasures amongst the junk. My own obsessions with books and “modern mythologies” are pretty obvious once someone gets to know me. My husband has learned to just shake his head and “tsk tsk” at me when I’m thinking about these things. He’s also fond of using the phrase “the things you watch/listen to/read” while he’s shaking his head.

Something interesting has been occurring in recent years. I have noticed that the new myths of our generation seem to be coming, not just in epic novels, but in television shows and movies as well. The new ancestors of Greek myths are coming to us now as epic television serials and movie sagas. And, now, too, I see that we have some books that are doing the same thing as J.R.R. Tolkien, Jane Austen, and Charles Dickens.

I am not exactly sure where this blog is going to lead. In the tradition of the writing craft, though, I’m going to follow where the characters (or muses) want to go. Right now that appears to be blogging about my literary obsessions. I don’t doubt I will also freely be giving my opinions about life. As a writer, what I have struggled with the most has been this feeling that I haven’t really had anything to say. So, maybe this blog is going to be about me finally feeling like I’ve got something worth saying.

Oh, and, by the way:
 "If you can read this, thank a teacher!"

"Begin at the beginning and go on until you come to the end; then stop" Lewis Carroll

...and so I shall. 

I've been writing little tidbits for myself for as many years as I can remember knowing how to write. In my younger days, there was no such thing as the internet, and then there was, accessed by programs like "Gopher" (if anyone remembers THAT). Then came the advent of PCs and then laptops and fancy phones that made it easy for anyone with half a brain to post any thought that came into their half-brain.  I sat thinking one day that I have at least that much brain, so why am I not posting my own thoughts and hurling them out into the great unknown along with millions of other people?

Virginia Woolf wrote a lot things. Amongst them was a long essay written in 1929 called "A Room of One's Own." As an undergraduate English Major at Shippensburg University, I studied this story along with many others in literature classes. What I recall so poignantly about it was that the woman just wanted a space to be by herself, to think and just BE who she was, unrelated to and without consideration for anyone else - to not be defined by her position or role in society.  (And because her husband could not let well enough alone and just had to check on her, it didn't work. She felt smothered and ultimately smothered herself in the gas oven of the rented room...but that's not really the point, actually.)

The point is that we all need some space to be ourselves - to "find" ourselves, I suppose, although, as a piece of "flair" from Facebook once touted "We do not FIND ourselves, we CREATE ourselves".  Life is by degrees complicated, messy, infuriating, ingratiating, feral, boring, and generally incomprehensible.  I have lots of thoughts on this, as do others. I don't see why my ideas on the whole realm of existence should be any less valuable than others. I've spent 35 years living in it, thinking about it, trying to maintain it and wrestle it into the shape I want it to be.  And as an English Major, I spent many days and nights writing about it, discussing it ad nauseum, and searching out the meaning with the help of friends and a pitcher of Yuengling Lager.  That's at least as valid as most other "philosophers" out there. So, I figure I will post my ideas and cast them to the digital winds. Then "Good or bad. Come what may" (Shakespeare's MacBeth), I suppose.