It hurts right now,
but I know it will get better.
I know every day
I get stronger,
I move forward.
I can't see the end yet,
but I believe that it's there.
I live in hope
that it's there,
and this will not kill me, no matter how much it feels like it will...
http://youtu.be/22zB6Soc2Gk
Monday, May 30, 2011
Saturday, May 28, 2011
Why I'm Not Posting
I'm tired of talking about it.
I'm tired of thinking about it.
I'm definitely tired of feeling it.
I want to be able to see through it to the place where I'll be okay. Right now I can't see past the pain.
It's anger and pain dancing a tango through my life right now. My world is destroyed and I'm starting again from scratch. This may mean God can make me anyone He (or She) wants me to be. But right now, in the early hours of the morning, when I am feeling lonely, alone, and unwanted, all I feel is pain and confusion. Cuz I still don't get it. I still can't wrap my mind around it.
I believed that marriage meant you become one person. Obviously, not exactly, because you still have to be an individual. But my relationship with my husband was so much a part of me that it was solid inside me. And now I feel like I've been ripped in half to get it back.
I'm not posting a much of anything right now, because this is what is going on with me. I don't want to share it. I don't want to put the negative out there into the world. I'm afraid I'll regret it later. Because when I'm angry, I am saying some things that, when I look back later, might be unfair. MIGHT be. They may be as true as they feel to me right now. But I don't want to be ruled by emotions just now. I'm not exactly being unbiased. Because I do blame him. For giving up. For running away. For not being a strong enough man to carry through. And I don't want to regret the things I say now when I look back on it in 10 years' time.
So I'll be back once I've got some perspective. And more undisturbed sleep.
I'm tired of thinking about it.
I'm definitely tired of feeling it.
I want to be able to see through it to the place where I'll be okay. Right now I can't see past the pain.
It's anger and pain dancing a tango through my life right now. My world is destroyed and I'm starting again from scratch. This may mean God can make me anyone He (or She) wants me to be. But right now, in the early hours of the morning, when I am feeling lonely, alone, and unwanted, all I feel is pain and confusion. Cuz I still don't get it. I still can't wrap my mind around it.
I believed that marriage meant you become one person. Obviously, not exactly, because you still have to be an individual. But my relationship with my husband was so much a part of me that it was solid inside me. And now I feel like I've been ripped in half to get it back.
I'm not posting a much of anything right now, because this is what is going on with me. I don't want to share it. I don't want to put the negative out there into the world. I'm afraid I'll regret it later. Because when I'm angry, I am saying some things that, when I look back later, might be unfair. MIGHT be. They may be as true as they feel to me right now. But I don't want to be ruled by emotions just now. I'm not exactly being unbiased. Because I do blame him. For giving up. For running away. For not being a strong enough man to carry through. And I don't want to regret the things I say now when I look back on it in 10 years' time.
So I'll be back once I've got some perspective. And more undisturbed sleep.
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