"Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain" - The Great and Powerful Oz in The Wizard of OzSo I'm having this rather listless kind of day. Did you ever have one of those days when you just can't seem to get up enough energy to get anything done?
My husband kind of thinks I should be writing this kind of stuff for my blog anyway - the normal stuff of what is going on in my life. Part of it is that I don't figure many people will truly be interested in my recounting how I am dealing with being unemployed, feeling useless generally, or, well, being listless on an average day. The highlight of my day today was taking a shower and reading the latest book out of a supernatural series I've been reading on the Fae (Karen Marie Moning ROCKS!).
The truth is that, for me, on most days it is much easier to write about philosophical and moral issues that don't hit on my day to day life. On other days, it's easier for me to just put on the television and watch an old Superman movie or something - something that will take my brain back to a time when it didn't ever have deep thoughts about the world I live in. For more than half my life now that hasn't been the case. I find myself contemplating trains of thought like whether or not there could really be angels in our world; whether or not it might be possible for computers to evolve to the point where they could, in fact, annhilate their creators; or whether or not there could be a world that exists behind the reality that we believe exists. Oh, and then there's always that one about whether there really is such a thing as reality or whether it's just a matter of perspective. Now, honestly, with thoughts like these running through my head, could anyone expect me to really, truly write a simple "this is what I did today" kind of blog.
I was raised by teachers, thinkers, readers and philosophers. (My father would never have labeled himself as a philosopher, but even the minister at the funeral agreed that's what he was. The man wrote his family a "letter/poem" that he left behind for us that pretty much showed he was, afterall! ) Every thought I have is imbued with this background. In the past, great writers liked to show off how much classical education they had by throwing references in everywhere. I think I refrain from doing that, but it's nice to do it every now and then. The quotes I constantly throw out come from all over because my education comes not just from formal education, but just as much from popular education - TV, movies, modern novels. I quote other people because there have been so many people who've come before me who SAY IT SO MUCH BETTER. The word is succinct - to the point, eloquent, lovely.
Like many people out there, I am trying to find myself. I'm trying to find my own voice. It's true, though, that "We don't find ourselves, we become ourselves." I don't know who said that. I saw it on a Facebook Flair button a couple of years ago and immediately posted it to my profile (before they changed the profiles and now I don't know HOW to do that or even if I can). The point is it's one of a myriad of sayings I have heard that speak truth in small, short sentences. It's one of those phrases that goes toward summing me up, if such a thing is ever possible.
I am a changeable person. I am inconsistent. In fact, I used to say that was the only consistent thing about me. I always thought of it as a bad thing, even as a felt a little surge of pride to be able to say it. My husband says that, after 10 years of marriage, he still can't figure out what I'm going to do. Well, I guess that's good, since I can't figure myself out after 35 years, either! Sometimes I do wish I could be "normal" and consistent and have someone know me well enough to know what I'm going to do. There is a sort of safety and comfort in being predictable. A little predictable is a good thing, just like a little unpredictable would be. But it gets kind of lonely being constantly unpredictable. There is no safe zone. There is no comfort zone.
The weird things for me is finding that I don't FEEL unpredictable. I don't feel like I could go do anything at any time. I feel boring. I feel, as I said, listless. Bored with myself. I get up, I eat something, I watch TV, I play some internet games. It's not as if I am jetting off to Europe on the spur of the moment. I might get the mail or I might not. I might get dressed or I might stay in my lounge pants all day. Maybe I'll call my sisters and see how they and the family are doing. Maybe I'll go to the store, but it's not like I'm going to go buy new furniture, even. And THIS is what my hubby thinks I should be telling everyone?
I read my friends' posts on Facebook - all about their kids and their jobs and their vacations. THAT is what life is about. I can sit and give you philosophical ruminations on the meaning of life, but THAT is the meaning of life. The day to day workings of our lives. Our pets, our families, our struggles with stress. What should we have for dinner? Should we buy organic or just local vegetables - how will it affect our pocketbooks as we try to do the right thing for the planet and our bodies? Please - tell me all about how your daughter just crayoned the carpet blue! I'm not being sarcastic! Let me laugh and groan alongside you.
I have no children. I may never have any children. It's not because I don't want them. It's because my body doesn't seem to work right and my world doesn't seem to either. And this life...it's not what I thought I was getting. I thought I would have a house full of kids, animals, and friends and family that thought deep thoughts with me. I've known since adolescence that the world was full of shadows, but I never expected it to be this dark. I'm not suicidal. I'm disappointed. Most of all in myself. Because I think I could have made it brighter. I just don't know how. I just have the vague sense that something went really wrong somewhere and it's my fault that it did. After all, this is my life, right? So who else could it have been that was responsible? No matter what's happened, it's my life to live.
"If my life is for rent, and I can't afford to buy it, then I deserve nothing more than I get, 'cause nothing I have is truly mine." DidoLife isn't ALL black, just as it's never ALL white. Just as the Brady Bunch/Father Knows Best bullshit is just that, bullshit, the deep, dark depressing stuff is never without light either. There is ALWAYS light. Maybe that's why I'm unpredictable. I've seen the world in dualities since I was a teenager. What goes on beneath the surface isn't all there is - the surface counts, too. You need humour, but you don't SEE the humour if EVERYTHING is funny. Categories like "drama" and "comedy" don't really fit into real life. Nothing is just a romance or just an action flick. James Bond has to go home and wash his socks at some point.
What we see isn't really complete reality. What we hear from people isn't all there is to them. There are a million different realities, all existing at the same time. We have to focus on one at a time to keep from going insane. The trick is not to forget they exist while suspending our disbelief in the reality of the moment.
So, really...pretend the man behind the curtain (or the woman behind the keyboard) doesn't exist. It'll keep your head from exploding...
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