Tax Collectors AND Debtors

Someone shared something Faith-based with me recently that I never thought of before. I am used to thinking in terms of being like Christ - ministering to the poor and those in need. I've always gotten that message. That I should be like Christ. Growing up in a church, I always saw myself as the evangelist. Lately I've been going through a lot of rough times in my life and I've been feeling ashamed because it's meant that I haven't really had much to give back to others, even to the point of not attending a church regularly.  This woman pointed out "Look who Jesus associated with". I've never thought about myself as someone whom Jesus is ministering TO.

I have kept thinking about that every since.  I remember learning that Jesus was friends with the tax collectors (like Matthew) and the harlots and the drunkards. After Kim mentioned this to me, I kept thinking about it. If these were the people no one wanted to be around, isn't it likely that debtors would be in that category, too? One of the things I've been ashamed of myself is not being able to pay bills, or having to depend upon others for things when I feel like I'm not carrying my own weight. In Jesus' time, the less respectable people would have included divorcees as well, right? People who lived in ways that were considered sinful. I mean, wow, is there anyone amongst us who can say they have never fallen into that category? But also, those who were looking for comfort and to know that they were not worthless. That just because they were lame or blind, they were still worth something to the Lord.

Could it be that, rather than just listening to Jesus' message as a list of tasks and requirements, I should be listening for the comfort He was bringing, too? For the uplifting of my spirits by his gentle words? 

I grew up as a Christian. I've always assumed that meant that I'm the elder brother of the Prodigal Son story. Could it be Jesus was saying that the fatted calf could be meant for me to share, too?

For years, I have shied away from the messages that have said "God cares about YOU." Maybe I couldn't believe them. Maybe my own depression, anxiety, and low self-worth got in the way. I heard it, but I don't think I listened. The idea that God is a loving God was something I embraced as a child. After my mother died, I think I may come to doubt that.

For years, I have felt that God hasn't been talking to me. Maybe He's been trying to reach me all this time, saying "I love you. Come home" and I've been deleting the voicemail messages.

I Am Not A Book

I had a dream. Not unusal at all for me. I sometimes think I am always dreaming. Sometimes I wake up and I just KNOW that the dream I was dreaming was important in some way. It has been this way since I was a child.  I have had visions this way. I have had what I sometimes see as messages from the Dreamtime  (and sometimes I just dream that the Doctor has dropped me home at Hogwarts after a trip to see the city of Atlantis in the Pegasus Galaxy and then I worry I've been watching too much TV...)
What I want to share with you from that dream was the realization, when I awoke, that my life is not stagnant and that I will not find the answers to my questions inside myself. My life is spark of light and I have to live it to see how it goes.  I realized that I cannot write the story of my life and live it at the same time. 
I was seventeen when my mother died. I learned something then. I learned what it means to sum up a life lived.  I heard the stories of my mother's life and realized that someday people would be talking about my life the same way. I picked up a bad habit at that point. I started to try to live my life with an eye to how people would view me - when I died and in history. All those literature classes in college did not help. I had an internal editor working on my life the way it works on a writer's work. If a writer does not suspend the internal editor, she never gets anything written down. She questions every word, every line. I wanted to be a writer that got studied in colleges! I thought, "how cool would that be?" and I shifted my focus. The result has been devastating to my life and my work. Talk about putting pressure on yourself! Everything I did, I decided that I had to look toward the whole picture.  So everytime I "wasted" a day playing a computer game or watching TV, I berated myself for not working on what I "should be" doing.
Ah, the dreaded "should be"...my nemesis. At this risk of sounding like Sheldon Cooper, it's my mortal enemy - the Khan to my Captain Kirk, if you will.
What it comes down to is expectations. I worry that I'm being arrogant when I say it, but it's true. I have great expectations for myself. I believe God has put me on this earth for a purpose. And, like Clark Kent, I don't think it's to kick footballs. I think I have a greater purpose.
But the truth is, I think everyone has a purpose. And, for each person, that purpose is a great one. 
I read a book once called "Embraced by the Light" by Betty Eadie. I've thought of it often in the years since I've read it. Ms. Eadie claimed to have had a near-death experience where she went to heaven, was allowed to see and remember important parts, and return to tell everyone. Now, firstly I was point out that that in itself is a pretty great purpose.  But, also, one of the things she reports when she returns is that souls get to meet each other in heaven before coming to Earth. And they agree to act in certain ways in each other's lives. It may be something that seems unimportant, like a smile or a gesture or some kind of "bumping into them" on one particular day. What I remember is that even that small interaction was deemed extremely important in Heaven.  I've seen this in action in my own life. I'm sure you have as well. Sometimes we impact other people's lives without really comprehending how much of an impact we've made.  We do it every day. Some interactions we're never going to realize were important until the day we die. Some interactions we learn years later made more of an impact than we knew at the time.  I guess sometimes we begin a work in someone's life and sometimes we are the ones that help the person finish it.

Prayer for Enough

I keep a box on my desk marked "SFGTD." It's a trick I picked up years ago. It stands for "Something For God To Do." Originally, I think I read it as a metaphor in an e-mail, but I found an old, small tissue box and started doing this. I take a piece of paper, write a prayer to God on it, something I am struggling with, then put it in "His In-Box". The idea is that I then "walk away" from the worry, and give it up to God. I'm not saying it always works, but you'd be surprised the number of times, when I, infrequently, dump all the papers out and look through them, that they are prayers that have been answered. Today I did this again, and found this prayer from 2009. I thought it might be time to share it!

Dear Lord,
Please give me enough.

Enough money to live moderately
Enough love to sustain me
Enough friendship not to be lonely without being crowded
Enough patience to ease others' trials and pains
Enough intelligence to understand
Enough faith not to need to understand everything
Enough food to not be hungry
Enough want to not be gluttonous
Enough generousity to share the blessings you give me with others
Enough power to never be a victim
Enough will never to be a slave
Enough humility to never be a tyrant
Enough honour never to cheat or lie
Enough sex with love to stave off lustfulness
Enough pain to make me appreciate pleasure & peace
Enough activity to keep me stimulated
Enough rest to make me strong
Enough weakness to make me humble
Enough darkness to recognize light
Enough work to appreciate what I have
Enough sweet to make me not feel deprived
Enough savory to keep me nourished
Enough family to make me feel at home, wanted, and safe
Enough danger to recognize safety
Enough travel to appreciate home
Enough relaxation to ease my tension
Enough tears to appreciate smiles
Enough water to keep me from being thirsty
Enough contact with You to remind me always that I am your child

Love,
Ilene

"Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day"
2 Corinthians 4:16 (NIV)