Wibbley Wobbley...

"Don't be fair to the Daleks. They're firing me at a planet!" 11th Doctor (Matt Smith), Asylum of the Daleks. Season 33 (New Season #7)

There's no point in being grown up if you can't be childish sometimes." Doctor Who

Surprise! I am a Doctor Who Fan. Anyone who has read the rest of this blog will not be surprised by this. I'm a geek from way back. Literally. Tom Baker became the 4th Doctor in Fall of 1974. I entered the world the following year and never looked back.

Why am I fan? Oh, let me count the ways! There's the science theory stuff, the time-travel factor, the history ideas, there was that episode where they met Shakespeare and gave a nod to the academics...

And then there's the bit where the 10th Doctor (played by the absolutely fabulous David Tennant) got a DNA sample taken which the alien race then turned into a daughter for him, which would have been cool anyway since the poor Doctor's race had been completely wiped out except for him and The Master (his arch-nemesis). But then, in an odd twist of reality and fate meeting up - the actress who played the Doctor's Daughter Jenny is the real-life daughter of an actor who played the Doctor previously (Peter Davison). And then...oddly enough she and David Tennant hit it off and started dated. Last I heard, they'd gotten married!  Making the Doctor the son-in-law of himself and married to his daughter. LOL Actually, I remember reading that David Tennant was a fan of Doctor Who since he was about 3 years old, so he should be pretty ecstatic all the way around.

Meanwhile, I am still trying to get caught up. Doctor Who has existed since about 1966 and I've been slogging my way through all the available old episodes because I didn't get to see them until the late 1970s at the earliest. Our local PBS station was kind enough to show them on Saturday afternoons and I slowly began to absorb them by watching them with my father. I don't remember much from the beginning of that period, of course. I remember Doctor Who with a long striped scarf, big teeth and funny-looking hair being chased around caves by strange robots that didn't move very well.

I was disappointed to find that I didn't like the 1st Doctor much at all. He seemed like a cranky old autocrat to me. I guess he was a product of the 1960s, but I came to love the younger, more rebellious versions. The 1st Doctor is supposed to have stolen the TARDIS. In "The Doctor's Wife" (New Series Season 6), we finally get to meet a human embodiment of the TARDIS. More to the point, The Doctor finally gets to meet her. It's hard to reconcile the 1st Doctor acting like the 11th Doctor says he did.

The TARDIS: " Did you ever wonder why I chose you all those years ago?"
The Doctor:  "I chose you. You were unlocked."
The Tardis: "Of course I was. I wanted to see the universe, so I stole a Time Lord and ran away. You were the only one mad enough."

The Doctor: You are not my mother!
The TARDIS: And you are not my child.
The Doctor: Since we're talking, I mean with mouths, can I just say, you know you were never very reliable!"
The TARDIS: Oh really?
The Doctor: You never took me where I wanted to go!
The TARDIS: But I always took you where you Needed to go!
The Doctor (brought up short): Yes. Yes, you did.

Then again, we meet the 1st Doctor when he is an old man, so perhaps he was different when he was young, which is supposed to be when he stole the TARDIS, if I am not mistaken.

I do have to say I really like Ian and Barbara, who are the first two official companions the Doctor has travelling with him.  His "grand-daughter" Susan was always sort of ambiguous as to whether or not she counts as a companion. I always wondered, too, whether or not she was a Time Lord. Shouldn't she have been?

Right now I am up to the 3rd Doctor (Jon Pertwee) and I'm chomping at the bit to get to the 4th Doctor and figure out with adult eyes what I was seeing at 4 years old.

In Defense of the X Generation - Culture in Flux

To begin, this is what I understand to be the breakdown of generations by date of birth. There is some disagreement about this. I have yet to see a correct "definition" of any of the generations because they are usually biased depending upon who is writing it. I have noticed Baby Boomers and Generation Yers are very fond of disparaging Generation X and often confuse us with the other group (Generation Y and Baby Boomers respectively). Very few seem to want to give us any credit whatsoever. 

2000 approximately-present Generation Z
1980- approximately 2000 Millennials or Generation Y
1965-1979 Generation X 
1946-1964 Baby Boomers
1900-1945 The Greatest Generation or GI Generation

We are a culture in flux. If you've ever read Alvin Toffler's The Third Wave, you already know what I'm saying. Toffler talks about technology coming in waves. We're on the third one now,where everything is becoming digital (said the blogger).  The pace of this change is enormous and disorienting. "Kids" (those under about 23) don't really see it. They were born after the wave hit. I think the Baby Boomers mostly just write it off anymore as that they are getting old and expect to not understand a lot of technology (I THINK, mind you. I know a lot of Baby Boomers who embrace the new technology, too.) But they are the generation who used to laugh about the fact that my generation (the tiny little Generation X) could program their VCR better than they could. But that's telling in itself. What a lot of this new lot of "kids" don't get is that we remember what the Baby Boomers taught us, lived a lot of it ourselves, but also embraced technology. Also still do embrace it. But we have a healthy dose of the Baby Boomer distrust for machines in us. We still keep inside of us the belief in the phrase "technology is great...when it works."

We see in the millennials a sense of entitlement that we are sure we never had. Now, that may be right or that may be wrong, but I can say this. We had to pay dues that the millennials have never had to pay. We learned  everything the hard way, the offline way, first. My generation learned to type on electric typewriters before computers. We used land-lines before cell phones were invented. We began in an age when you were not connected to everyone 24-7. We had to learn to amuse ourselves because entertainment was not available to us at all times. We wrote papers for classes by hand. We were schooled in penmanship and actually wrote letters. We had to learn to wait for things. And, the biggest thing of all - we were expected to pay our dues in the world before we jumped directly to earning the rewards for them.

This last I find the most disturbing because it is directly affecting what is happening now. (And let me say again, I understand that this is all generalizing and that's a lot of people to generalize.) But what has happened is that, when Generation X entered the workforce (beginning in the early 1980s), we were expected to work our way up. The Baby Boomers were in charge. They had the mid-level management to upper-level management jobs. It was expected that we would put in our time in the lower levels and then, if we worked hard, we would move up. (Because that's the way companies worked then.)

But that's not the way it worked out.

Baby Boomers didn't retire like their parents did. They kept working.
Which meant there were no vacancies.
And companies began to change how they did business. Company loyalty gradually became a thing of the past. Jobs began to go overseas. Whole industries were outsourced to other countries.

In short, the world changed.

And the Generation X kids, who were labelled "slackers" (As in "why don't you go get a job and make something of yourself like I did") and "cynical" (Gee, wonder why), who had already been forgotten in the social changes of the 1960s and 1970s, were written off because they couldn't find jobs. Because they were not there the way that they had been for the Baby Boomers.
And then, we disappeared from the media. Seriously. They lost interest. Why? Because the next generation of kids were more interesting. Were a larger group. And we all know that the media wants to market to the largest audience they can.

I could go into more detail about the social changes this engendered, but it's not my point right now. My point is this - there came a time when the Generation Y kids started entering the workforce. And started competing for the same jobs as the Generation Xers. And guess what? The rules changed. In truth, they had been changing all along. But now they REALLY started changing. No longer did the kids have to conform to the original rules. Now the Baby Boomers were conforming to the way Millennials did things. More technology. More flexibility. Everything that Generation Xers had been prepared to expect was done. We had to re-learn just like the Baby Boomers. But most of all, because the rules had changed, Millennials didn't have to "wait their turn" like we did. They were allowed to compete for the same jobs, which were now open. It made a lot of Gen Xers feel ignored and, quite frankly, pissed off. 

And, of course, in the middle of this, the economy tanked. So, even more of a glut on the labor market occurred. Newly minted college grads, Generation Xers who SHOULD have been in their prime earning years, and Baby Boomers who suddenly found the could not retire after all (or worse, had to come out of retirement). 

The other day, I read a blog that supported Generation X's right to be angry (thanks for the permission), but did it in a way that was rather offensive and uninformed. Once again it called us "slackers" and "cynical".  And blamed it on the fact that we never learned how to deal with disappointment. Really? The author (obviously a Millennial) forgot a lot of important facts, beginning with everything I outlined above. But there's more. 

We lived through the Cold War. We saw the Berlin Wall fall, but we lived in the time before that happened. We lived the tail end of it, when it seemed it had gone on forever and was going to have to end soon, one way or another. We grew up expecting to live through a Nuclear Holocaust. If you doubt this, watch the original Red Dawn. To us, that movie was frightening because it totally could have happened.

We were the first generation produced during the rampant divorce rate. We were cynical because we were being told to believe in fairy tales - Cinderella and Snow White, yes,  but also happy little family sitcoms where everything was worked out in half an hour.  Then we looked at the realities around us and saw that there didn't appear to be any neat little happy endings. We were a generation of women who grew up being told we could have it all and do it all, then coming to realize that was a lie. These days, people talk about having a good work/life balance. That wasn't an option in the 1970s - 1990s. It was accepted that a woman could be an executive, but she still had to know how to cook or she wasn't "really" a woman. And she still had to contend with a glass ceiling. 

A working mother was still usually expected to go to work, then come home and cook and clean. A man was supposed to be inept at taking care of children (see Mr. Mom if you want an example of this) and told that a woman could do everything, so why did she need a man? It stripped away a lot of what men were being told was masculine - breadwinner, protector, dominant. It made a lot of men feel pissed off and ignored as well. I'm talking about cultural stereotypes and expectations here. There were people breaking down these barriers, but the censure was always still there. This is the world in which American Generation Xers tried to find their identity as men and women.  We grew up in a world of contradictions and tension. The Baby Boomers had defined, stable roles (even if they needed changing), and the Millennials had an openness of societal roles that we didn't yet have. If we weren't at least a little cynical, we would be incredibly simple and naive. 

That we aren't simple and naive (as a generation) partly comes from the fact that we also grew up with technology (imagine that!) and increasingly more mass communication. We are a well-informed lot. We learned to embrace changing technology from an early age (hence the "My 8 year old can program my VCR better than I can" kind of comments). Kiddos, we invented (or helped to invent) half that technology you are using! And by "invented," I mean we thought it up. That stuff came from our imaginations, our brains, our hearts, our dreams. We played video games with rudimentary graphics and black (and green) screens, using our imagination, and thought "That would make a great movie" or "wouldn't it be cool if you could actually tell that those stupid little pixels were a princess with an actual face". And then we went on and made it happen.  We traveled to other countries and learned what they had to say about things and brought that back to America. We started with giant computers 

Not know how to deal with disappointment? Us? We grew up being able to lose at team sports and not have to be consoled by the "there are no losers" mantra. Instead, we got the "you'll get 'em next time" speech. And we needed it, too, given that life changed on us midstream. 

I'm hearing Millennials now saying that they are the first generation that can't be lumped together and generalized as a single generation. I say that's bollocks. You can't do that with any generation anymore. The Baby Boomers were path-cutters and weight-bearers, stoners and hippies, country-clubbers and night-clubbers, drop-outs and innovators. There is no solid stereotype for a Baby Boomer. And there is none for a Generation Xer, either. We are just as much innovators, philosophers, stoners, cynics, dreamers, standard-bearers, boring suburbanites, entitled asses and Mother Theresas as any other generation. We are political and apolitcal. We are creative and dull. We are smart and stupid. And so are Millennials. I strongly disagree, by the way, that we are, as a whole, self-centered, unwilling to work toward our goals, "conversationally shallow" as one blog put it (supposedly because all we like to do is watch movies), and "short on loyalty." I think we are loyal, but we don't put up with as much as our parents did, because we have suffered so much disappointment as a group. 

The truth is that all you can ever really say is "This was the cultural climate right at that moment in time." I know marketers love to talk about pyschographic profiles of their "target market," but what is interesting is that the more they "personalize" things, the more it becomes evident that there is wide variation from one person to the next. There are frequently a few similarities, which is a good thing, but now you can identify with someone on the other side of the world just as easily as you can identify with someone next door. Sometimes more easily. 

So, here's what I say. Be an individual and not a generation. Go on. I dare you. And, while you are at it, stop  trying to categorize anyone that way. 

Endurance

Having a disease like Fibromyalgia is not easy. I would say it is one of the hardest experiences I have ever had to endure. It is frightening, painful, isolating, demeaning - in every way a nightmare. It's made even harder when the ones you love don't understand it.
I want everyone to know that, before I got sick, I was an extremely active person. I used to hike, camp, ride bicycle, walk, do crafts, quilt, sew, scrapbook, cook. As a teenager, I play softball, tried basketball, enjoyed  volleyball, mowed the lawn, was in the marching band, and participated in all number of other school activities. I even lifted weights and ran. I would have been on the track team if we'd had one at my school.  I was literally hyperactive (although I didn't know I had ADD at the time). As I got sicker and sicker, I sought a cure that would return me to my active self. After awhile, I figured I was just getting old or lazy. Many years and multiple diagnoses later, I finally found out what was going on.
But in the meantime, I isolated myself from friends because I felt bad every time I had to cancel at the last minute. I despised them thinking of me as rude and uninterested in our friendships. I felt like I was the worst best friend in the world. I loved these people, but couldn't seem to make time for them. And I didn't know why.
More than once I thought I was losing my mind and falling apart. Even now that I know what is going on, I feel that way.
My husband was able to stick through me when I was sick with something that could be fixed - a gall bladder removal left me out of it for a few weeks. I was vulnerable and obviously too sick to do much besides sleep and stare at a TV screen.
And then I got my diagnosis. I started medication and it seemed to finally be helpng.  And then a few weeks later, I lost my job. And relief became nightmare again.
No insurance means no medication for the woman with the chronic, debilitating disorder. No medicine, no treatment, no doctor's visits, no medical support, no solutions. A sick economy means no jobs for the woman with a chronic illness but a dual college degree and work experience.
And then my husband decided to leave me.  And, because I know the set of problems he faces in life, I convinced him to physically stay because I knew he needed to know he had a place whee he was still loved. And I hoped to work things out.
Have I mentioned that high levels of stress negatively effect Fibromyalgia?
And that we had to accept help from a relative to survive?
And, in the middle of that, I decided to do something I'd wanted to do for years. I went back to school.
I accept some work. And then my husband got sick and had to be hospitalized for a week. My hell week.  I started a new temp job, my husband was admitted to the hospital, I'd just adopted 2 kittens, and my first week of classes started. To this day, I am not sure how I managed to survive that week.
Somehow, several years later, I am surviving. Someday I hope to be thriving again. If I can.
In the meantime, I endure...
day by day.

Standing still in the center of the storm...

"Imagine your life going by and not having the energy to keep up."

Oh, wow, does this say it wonderfully. And this is totally what I am immersed in today. Fibromyalgia has stolen my life and some days it is obvious to me. Other days, I survive on the hope that it will be better, that I will be stronger, that the pain will be less and my energy level will be more. And it's a very lonely place to be, because I think most people don't understand this. I feel left behind. I feel time passing and I am standing still. for the first 25 years of my life, roughly, I epitomized the John Mayer lyric "She's always moving, just like neon." Now I only move because I'm trying to minimize the pain. 

If I had the energy to do what I want in my heart to do, I would be scary to behold. I am not lazy and fat with some made up disease. I want to move mountains and I'm willing to do the work to do that. But there are days it takes all my energy to move myself up and down stairs and to the kitchen to cook anything. This says it beautifully. I can't keep up. And suddenly it's 10 years later and the person who used to camp and hike and canoe and sing and quilt and write and run and work is gone. And I don't even recognize the person in the mirror. 

I can't help but think of all the things that I probably will never do now. All the things that maybe I'll never do again. Standing on top of mountain I have hiked up. Waking up to the smell of a wood smoke fire and the sound of birds chirping above me in the trees. I always slept better camping than any other way. Now it feels like torture to wake up on the ground, assuming I could sleep that way at all. To sit calmly, quietly and still, listening to the natural world around me. Now I have to move every few minutes as the muscle pain catches up to me again. Feeling the strength in your limbs as you walk - the exhilarating feeling of your body move as designed. I can't clearly remember what it feels like to be comfortable anymore. 

How does a person not get depressed? How does anyone find a way back to thriving? All I know is to take it day by day and try to hold on to hope and to concentrate on the blessings I have and what I can do. I try to stay positive and find things to laugh at and smile at and take my mind off the multiple layers of pain that inhabit my life. My passion, my love, my hopes - they still reside somewhere inside me. I try to hold on to those. And if somehow, in all of that, I can make someone else smile or lighten someone else's load - well, then, that gives me a reason to still be here.  

The Times They Are a Changin'

I have been finding myself having a lot of conversations lately where I'm uttering the phrase "The rules have all changed in the last few years." These conversations range from socializing and shopping to job hunting and world politics. I am certain I am not that old. Yet from the time of my "youth" until today, the world is a completely different place.

When I was a kid, we didn't have cell phones. Think of it - not being available 24-7! What an amazing idea! What did we do in an emergency? Answer - we fended for ourselves and we did things like walk to the nearest gas station. We walked to someone's house and asked to use the land line. We didn't worry as much about not being able to handle a situation when it came up. We relied on each other more than we do now. 

I know every generation says this, but I think it's true. People were friendlier and less rude than they are now. Not everyone, mind you. But if someone wasn't a nice person, they were considered to be "that cranky old hermit-guy" or "that crotchety old lady." More and more these days I see people doing crap like strolling out in front of traffic expecting everyone to stop for them. There is less consideration these days for other people. We seem to have this new awareness of the length and breadth of the world and less and less awareness that this world does not revolve around us. Maybe it's because so much as been "personalized" that so much is less personal in terms of relationships. There is so much pop psychology out there that everyone is psychoanalyzing everyone else and no one is actually building relationships and getting to know people. 

We have a new world of people who are at once savvy and entirely naive about the way the world really works. They believe that you should judge someone by what's inside, but at the same time think it's okay to call someone "fat" or "whore" as an insult. They call their best friends "bitches" and use the "f-word" as emphasis in every other sentence. They think seeing a "current" picture on a social media site protects them from old people "masquerading" as young people and that means they are safe.  They think texting while driving is safe and see nothing wrong with posting "fml (f my life)" when the tiniest thing goes wrong. They believe in disposable relationships. 

Notice, I am not labeling any particular generation in this? That's because I have seen this behavior across generations now. Baby Boomers, Gen Xers, Millennials. It's all of us. We have created a world that is freer, more open-minded, more aware that we live on the same planet with millions of others, more aware that people do things differently. And that's great. But we are also less connected, more blind, less self-aware, less communal, less accepting and less willing to work together to accomplish big goals. We are less aware of history and less willing to learn the truth about things. And that is a very, very scary combination. When we are too tired or too stressed or too lazy to learn, we are susceptible to forces that aren't. 

"All it takes for evil to prevail is for good men to stand by and do nothing." paraphrase of Edmund Burke by way of John F. Kennedy.

"Those who will not learn from history are doomed to repeat it." paraphrase of George Santayana

This is the kind of culture that spawned the rise of the greatest dictators in the world. The greatest deceitful and charismatic propaganda. It leads to people being herded, sheep-like into pens they didn't even know where there until suddenly the gate is shut. And even then, some people don't see it. 

I'm not saying that politeness is any better. In the United States, the 1950s saw some of the greatest social repression and that was because everything was lacquered with a thin veneer of politeness and propriety. The 1960s and 1970s saw so much upheaval because people were tired of being repressed. But I sometimes think we went too far in the name of freedom. We pushed so hard for personal freedom that I think we forgot about responsibility. 

It is said that history is cyclical. If that is so, we will probably see a push back and lines drawn all over again. I'd like to think that someday we're going to see the balance that is needed, but that probably will not happen in my lifetime. The scary thing to me is that I am not sure just where we are heading - somewhere new or back into what we've already been through because there is no one looking backward or paying any attention to the "elders" because no one thinks they have anything valuable to say any more. In a time of rapid change (what Toeffler calls "The Third Wave"), everyone wants to judge progress on the next new invention. We are not valuing our historians and our elders. After all, in a youth culture, who wants to see anything of value in the old?

This is not to say that age alone brings wisdom. The truth is that neither being old or young makes you more qualified to judge anything. It is simply that knowledge is important, and ignoring knowledge of the past is a dumb thing to do. The arrogance of youth is to believe that "everything is different today than it used to be" and the truth is that this isn't so. People are people, no matter what age you are in. We look back at history, after all, and think that we can judge people from that time. Very often, we can, in basics, but we do have to take into consideration the time period. Motivations often remain the same- all people have passions, dreams, desires, fears, things they are proud of, things they despise. Human relationships have not changed over time. 

"The greatest thing about getting older is that you don't lose all the other ages you've been." - Madeleine L'Engle

I find myself wondering what people will think of this time period if we survive to look back at it. I don't think it will be looked upon favorably, despite the rapid technological advancements. I keep thinking that this must have been what people felt like in the 1890s and 1910s, during that explosion of technological advancement. But I think this is different. Like many things, however, I believe only time will tell. History is going to have to be the judge of whether or not these changes are for the better or for the worse. God help us all. 

THESE are the bad old days...

A wise person recently reminded me that "Permanence is not permanent." Change is what life is about. I need to hear it at that time, too. I've been having a rough time lately. 

Since 2010, I've been struggling with one change after another in my life. To be honest, it's been going on since I was 17 years old. I've been struggling ever since my mother was taken out of my life. 

When I'm hard on myself, I tell myself that it is ridiculous and unhealthy to be consistently drawn back to a date now 20 years in the past. When I'm strong, I tell myself it was the catalyst for a whole long list of lessons learned. I learned young and well that life is short. And I knew early what it means to sum up a life. What matters is not how much money you earned, what clothes you wore, what address you had. At funerals, no one mentions what kind of car you drove, how many bedrooms your house has, or how much you weighed (in most cases). What people remember was how you LIVED, how you treated others, if you "always had a smile for everyone" or volunteered in your community, and if you helped other people out. My own grandmother's epitaph included a young cousin who stood up at her funeral and talked about how she always had time for a cup of coffee and a chat. My other grandmother raised 9 children, who talked fondly of how many yard sticks she broke disciplining the 5 boys, all of whom towered over her. My mother was remembered to me, more than a year later, as the inspiration that caused her nurse in those last days to set aside time to become a camp nurse (which is where I encountered her). My father, whose obituary read like a laundry list of community accomplishments,  left us a poem that summed up his life as something of a religious mystic in accountant's clothing. I have been reared by people who spent their lives focused on other people. 

So, now I ask, "Where does that leave me?" I was groomed at an early age to go out and be a productive, active member of a community. At age 37, I find myself without any community. Really. 

I am underemployed enough to be counted as unemployed by anyone except a census-taker - which makes me an out-of-work writer/secretary/customer service representative with excess education, in the process of getting more over-educated, who is struggling in a troubled marriage, has no home church, an almost totally unformed direction in life, with several chronic illnesses and the serious possibility of fertility issues. So those glorious poems I wrote in college about being "the mother of mothers and mother of fathers" are now pretty much reduced to b***s**t. I am not only struggling to make ends meet - the ends aren't even within sight of each other anymore. 

I feel like Jaye from Wonderfalls. If you haven't seen the show from 2004, you should see it. It never found it's place (I don't think it was ever given a real chance), but it's pretty hilarious and includes Lee Pace, which is always a plus. I'll warn you, though, it's quirky. 

Ahem...so, pity party over. This is what I see when I look with dark, dingy, A Scanner Darkly kind of way. But being me, I prefer happy endings. 

I imagine that these are my "bad old days" days. That in 20 more years, I will be looking back and remembering what it was like to come through this to where I will be then. Maybe I am feeling like I am running out of time because my parents had short lives (46 and 58). If this is only midway for me, I have almost 40 more years to go! 

Right now I have the time I wanted for so long to have to go back to school (which I am doing!) and learn some valuable, practical knowledge (which I'm doing - I am getting a Bachelor of Science in Business Administration to balance out my dual English/Journalism degree). Once I finish the degree, I am free to move anywhere I can find a job with my newly minted Bachelor's Degree! And I have a great deal of experience in many areas, which makes me a more versatile employee. I am free to go where God wants me to go! No home church means, again, I can pick up and go wherever. And my husband and I are working things out in our marriage, so it could end up being stronger than ever. None of my chronic illnesses are life-threatening in and of themselves. They are all manageable with diet and exercise and some medications. 

These struggles I've been going through are teaching me compassion and understanding that I don't think I would have had otherwise. Until you go through unemployment, underemployment, struggling with illnesses and childlessness and being dependent upon the State or your relatives, it's hard to imagine just how hard that is on you psychologically. We like to consider welfare recipients as free-loaders in the United States, but it's like adding insult to injury. You already have to ask for help. Then you get insulted for it and told by politicians that you just didn't try hard enough. I feel like I have been given a unique opportunity to understand both the haves and the have-nots. I was a world-traveler by age 16 and had a taste of what upper-middle class was all about. I was given Upper Middle Class sensibilities. However, I was also taught to never turn my nose up at honest, hard work, and I married a man who is a proud self-defined redneck who grew up on farms and in trailers. I grew up somewhere in between. I'm proud to say one grandfather was a Master Carpenter and the other was a machinist. My grandmothers were a nurse and a teacher-turned-stay-at-home-mother. My parents were a teacher and a teacher-turned-librarian. I get to be a State Clerk-turned-something else. I just haven't decided what I'm turning just yet. 

I knew a really interesting 80-year-old woman. She's the kind of woman I want to be in 40 years. She traveled to the Middle East to see the Holy Land (at 80 years old) and rode a camel. Now, that's an image I want to shoot for. I want to be 80 and ride a camel in Egypt. And as an homage to my mother, I'd like to play a game of Chess with a Turkish man while I'm there (when she was in England in the 1960s, she surprised a Turkish man because she could play). 

When I was graduating college for the first time in the late 1990s, there was a great spoken word song out on the radio called "Everybody's Free To Wear Sunscreen" by Baz Luhrmann. It's almost 14 years ago now. Being 40 years old seemed so far in the future.  I imagined I would find my path in life by then and it wouldn't apply to me. (At that time, 40 seemed soooooooo far in the future.)

The YouTube Video says the lyrics are from a famous essay written in 1997 by Mary Schmich of the Chicago Tribune. That whole column can be found, here on the Chicago Tribune's Website: http://www.chicagotribune.com/news/columnists/chi-schmich-sunscreen-column,0,4054576.column. It's worth a read. 


Like I said, I like happy endings, so I'm going to close this entry with my favorite line from it. 

"Don't feel guilty if you don't know what you want to do with your life. The most interesting people I know didn't know at 22 what they wanted to do with their lives. Some of the most interesting 40-year-olds I know still don't." 

Planned Planning

Planning.
Apparently, it's a problem.
For those of us with ADD/ADHD, it can be our nemesis. We have problems getting started planning, completing planning, following through on a plan. In the worst cases, all of these are true. We can feel it is a trap - something that will squash our creative energies (probably due to memories of years of teachers and authority figures telling us to pay attention and just do THIS). The problem is that it can also be incredibly freeing once we've done the planning. It means we don't have to spend any more time than necessary on structuring things we don't want to be doing in the first place. Personally, I like having the boundaries. Otherwise, I get overwhelmed and can't start things or I get incredibly distracted by all the shiny POSSIBILITIES.
I have the almost unique opportunity to learn what it's like on both sides of the ADD aisle, so to speak. I am an ADDer and I am MARRIED to an ADDer. While that may sound wonderful to those of you with ADD who feel no one understands what it's like to have ADD, let me assure you it is most often NOT. Because that forces me to alternately act the role of the NON-ADDer or the ADDer being misunderstood.
Our house is in chaos most of the time - and I am not just talking chores. Our finances. Our social life. Our TV schedules. Our work. Our meals. Even our love life. There is no anchor in the storm. Sure, we can have a lot of fun. But without someone to be the calm influence, we're frequently sniping at each other and wondering whether or not the electric company is going to show up at our door to turn off our service for a bill that got "missed."
I'm constantly struggling to "grow up" and waiting for adulthood to begin. It would be really easy to blame all these things on my husband. Really, really easy. But I'm not going to do that because I know that I am just as much to blame. Neither of us can get a handle on things. And the truth is there is really no one to blame for it.  This is how we are both hard-wired. It requires us both to constantly be trying to figure out how to navigate a world not designed for our kind of wiring. I try to keep this in mind when we are arguing because I know that these problems are frustrating and people say things they don't mean when they are frustrated and angry that they are always fighting against the world to live. Still, you can only take personal insults so often and be called controlling so many times (and this goes both ways).
I think I've been blessed to have been exposed to so much since I first got my diagnosis of ADD in college in terms of ways to manage time and impulses. I have learned to make lists and made schedules my friends. Most importantly, I have learned to pick myself up and keep trying when one system or another fell apart (although I am pretty sure I learned that growing up with ADD and not knowing it). Unfortunately, I don't know how to teach this to anyone else, especially my ADD husband. How do you convince someone to sit for 5 minutes and discuss how you plan to move couches up and down stairs? My husband's mentality is: we just move it. Any suggestion about planning moving the items which they will have to be moved around (such as bookshelves) makes him decide I've worked in state government for too long. I guess those management classes are a waste of money, too. Why talk about it beforehand, after all? And then there is the insult that women want to talk everything to death. I'm pretty sure he forgets sometimes that I also have ADD. I just wanted to get the darn things moved without breaking anything, living or nonliving.
So, I guess we'll continue to live in chaos for awhile longer. And my husband has the satisfaction of moving the couches without me. Because I really don't want to break anything living...so I'm going to the library.