You are the same today as you will be 5 years from now...

“You will be the same person in five years as you are today except for the people you meet and the books you read.”― Charlie "Tremendous" Jones

Hey Friends: Going through a rough time lately. Feels like "lately" has been 10 years though! Not to get too deep into it, I've been feeling depressed and guilty for not becoming who I thought I ought to be. Most of all, for not maintaining friendships.

I'm not going to pretend to be besties with every one of my social media friends, but I do consider you my friends, so this is an apology if you've ever felt that I have distanced myself from you.

Like many people with chronic health and depression issues, I have gotten in the habit of pulling away so that I don't present that weak me to the world, even those I consider friends. LIke most of us, I don't like feeling vulnerable to the world and to let you see the me that is metaphorically curled up on myself sitting on the bottom of the shower stall crying. I'd rather you all believe I can adult with the best of them and take on the world with confidence and good humour!

I have spent the better part of 40 years trying to be philosophical about life and "figure it all out". I am NO WHERE near that goal (duh, obviously, since NO ONE can be!). I have learned a lot, though. So, I want to sound like I know what I’m talking about so people listen and learn from what I've been through. I think we all know we're all fakes in this area! Inside, we're all children until the day we die. (For my spiritual or religious friends, I'd like to note that I think this is what the Bible means when it talks about entering the kingdom of heaven as children.)

One night, years ago, I woke up out of a dead sleep with the very clear understanding of the meaning of life. Life is about relationships: Relationships with ourselves, with our environment, with God, with other people, with animals, with information…we live in relation to everything. We are defined, not by other people or our environment, but by who we are in relation to everything. I’ve heard “You are the same today as you will be 5 years from now except for the books you read and the people you meet.” Circumstances change us. People change us.

I have been changed by the people I have met in my 4 decades on this planet. Their feelings, their opinions, their treatment of me, my treatment of them, their love, their pity, their ire, their amusement, their disgust, their consideration. I have clear memories and loving feelings toward people who may not even remember me now. I feel sad about lost relationships and even sadder about lost lives. I still feel guilt over mean things I have said. I still feel hurt over mean things that were said to me. I have moved on, but the memories will never go away. The love I have been given still strengthens me.

I often feel like maybe the worst friend ever. I do know that relationships go both ways, but being chronically ill often leaves me depressed and beating myself up for things I can’t do. Withdrawing usually feels personal to people, who think that I simply don’t want to be friends with them anymore. Sometimes effort is needed for me to interact. Most people don’t’ have the time, energy, or inclination to “pull me out of my shell”. It’s an energy drain to them. After awhile, people stop expending the energy.

I guess this is just my way of trying to explain. I want my experiences to help others. When I am freaking out, hugging myself and crying for what seems like no reason, I’d like to believe that even this part of my life has meaning and purpose. What else are we here for if not to help others?