Standing still in the center of the storm...

"Imagine your life going by and not having the energy to keep up."

Oh, wow, does this say it wonderfully. And this is totally what I am immersed in today. Fibromyalgia has stolen my life and some days it is obvious to me. Other days, I survive on the hope that it will be better, that I will be stronger, that the pain will be less and my energy level will be more. And it's a very lonely place to be, because I think most people don't understand this. I feel left behind. I feel time passing and I am standing still. for the first 25 years of my life, roughly, I epitomized the John Mayer lyric "She's always moving, just like neon." Now I only move because I'm trying to minimize the pain. 

If I had the energy to do what I want in my heart to do, I would be scary to behold. I am not lazy and fat with some made up disease. I want to move mountains and I'm willing to do the work to do that. But there are days it takes all my energy to move myself up and down stairs and to the kitchen to cook anything. This says it beautifully. I can't keep up. And suddenly it's 10 years later and the person who used to camp and hike and canoe and sing and quilt and write and run and work is gone. And I don't even recognize the person in the mirror. 

I can't help but think of all the things that I probably will never do now. All the things that maybe I'll never do again. Standing on top of mountain I have hiked up. Waking up to the smell of a wood smoke fire and the sound of birds chirping above me in the trees. I always slept better camping than any other way. Now it feels like torture to wake up on the ground, assuming I could sleep that way at all. To sit calmly, quietly and still, listening to the natural world around me. Now I have to move every few minutes as the muscle pain catches up to me again. Feeling the strength in your limbs as you walk - the exhilarating feeling of your body move as designed. I can't clearly remember what it feels like to be comfortable anymore. 

How does a person not get depressed? How does anyone find a way back to thriving? All I know is to take it day by day and try to hold on to hope and to concentrate on the blessings I have and what I can do. I try to stay positive and find things to laugh at and smile at and take my mind off the multiple layers of pain that inhabit my life. My passion, my love, my hopes - they still reside somewhere inside me. I try to hold on to those. And if somehow, in all of that, I can make someone else smile or lighten someone else's load - well, then, that gives me a reason to still be here.